Trust Me
by thedragonhorse
Summary: A mechanic, a pilot, and a droid get to know each other on D'qar.
1. Chapter 1

"You are so frustrating!" I yelled at him. I think I even stomped my foot a little I was so frazzled. We stood facing each other in a doorway, close enough he could have felt my breath puffing out of my mouth as I continued to berate him. "Why won't you see-"

Poe closed the distance between us and paused my tirade with his lips over mine. Stunned beyond belief, I felt a click in my brain as I ceased to think and kissed him back fiercely, pushing him against the door frame. He pushed back, pressing his whole body against mine until we were against the opposite side of the frame. He stopped his assault on my lips for a moment, pulled his head back, and cupped my face with his hands. His eyes met mine, and he kissed me again, but softly. That was nice. But not what my body wanted right then. I threw myself into the kiss, threading my fingers into his hair and pressing my hips into his. There shouldn't be any doubt to him what I was getting at.

Without breaking contact, we turned into the workshop, Poe guiding me to walk backwards until I felt a table hit my thigh. I put an arm down and hopped up onto it. He followed me, swiping empty containers away as he descended on me. I gasped for air as he broke off our kiss to nibble my neck…

* * *

_Before-_

"I'm invincible!" I proclaimed, punching my fists upward into the air. No one saw or heard. As usual, my victories over the broken machines were only witnessed by the small rodents that I'm sure are holed up somewhere in this repair bay. I would die of embarrassment if anyone ever saw me celebrate anyway.

Still smiling, I cleaned up the workbench and carried the transformer out into the next room. I laid it on my boss's desk and drew a smiley face on the metal housing with a yellow grease pencil so he would know it was fixed. Hitting all the lights, I walked out of the shop and into the cool night air. It was late, and I had worked way past my shift. But I headed for the makeshift cantina instead of my bunk. I was in a good mood, and I wanted to enjoy the feeling a bit longer.

As I sidled up to the mostly empty bar, the giant - whatever being he was - bartender growled out a greeting. "Nice to see you too sunshine," I responded. He rolled his eyes and set my usual ale in front of me. Despite his grumpy demeanor, Rogg really liked me. I fixed his kitchen gadgets whenever they broke, and he knew what I was in the mood to drink without asking.

"So Rogg, which one is the 'virgin who's gonna die tomorrow'?" I said with a sigh. Rogg grunted and gestured his chin towards a very loud group. " Skinny blonde one." This was a common game we played. Inevitably, the most drunk person left in the bar at night would hit on me, their last chance before going to bed alone. I got the virgin line once, and Rogg thought it was the funniest pickup phrase he'd ever heard. It was funny, but sad too-not only was it very possible they could die the next day, but it was the only time anyone tried to hit on me. I always worked the late shift, so I was pretty much the only choice left in the bar at night. My self esteem usually swirled down a dark hole afterwards.

I rolled my eyes at Rogg. "Yay, pilots, my favorite."

"Don't worry, you know I won't let them do anything to you," Rogg said.

"Thanks Rogg. I know. Pilots are just so damn cocky and persistent. They can't imagine someone wouldn't want their drunk ass." I watched the table out of the corner of my eye, hoping tonight they would leave me alone.

As luck would have it, I got my wish. Just when it seemed the group couldn't get any louder, a guy I assumed was their commander walked in. He walked over to their table, said a few words and stood there with his arms crossed. For whatever reason, this shut them up immediately and they all got up and left. He sighed and shook his head slightly, then came over to sit at the far end of the bar. Rogg slid a bottle towards the man, who caught it with his hand and nodded thanks to Rogg. Apparently they knew each other.

"Who's the eye candy?" I quietly murmured to Rogg. I tried to look, but not be obvious about it. I'm never sure how successful I am at this. Either I'm very good or nobody cares I'm staring. But this guy couldn't possibly go anywhere without being checked out. He was wearing a brown leather jacket with an unshaven face, just enough to give the impression he was a little rough but not enough to look like he was attempting a beard. And the aura of confidence rolled off him so thick I felt I could almost choke on it. Definitely a flyboy.

Rogg smiled evilly. "Just your type-high ranking pilot, and one of the best. That there is the one and only Poe Dameron."

* * *

Here's where your bartender knows you so much better than you know yourself. I roll my eyes at pilots, say they're full of themselves, and way too overconfident for me to deal with. At the same time, I'm working my butt off every day to make sure not a single thing fails on their fighters, whether it's an x-wing or bomber. I put my smiley face signature on everything I fix so they know who took responsibility for their aircraft to work when they need it most. So for all my tough talk about being annoyed at them, I secretly love every single one. And Rogg somehow knows this.

The infamous pilot sat and sipped his ale silently. It didn't take long for him to turn his gaze my way, the only customer left in the bar. "So you're Smiley." He said it matter of factly, not a question.

I glared at Rogg, who sheepishly bowed his head and averted his eyes from mine as he pretended to be very busy drying a glass. I never intended it to be a secret, but I did not like to advertise I was one of the better repair grunts on the base. I could smell a setup.

"Yeah," I responded after swallowing my ale. I could play this cool even through my irritation with Rogg for exposing me intentionally. To a pilot.

"I need your help."

I raised one eyebrow at him. Poe Dameron did not need me. He was well-known for doing all his own repairs, not trusting anyone but his droid to help.

"With what?"

He slid off his chair and moved to the stool next to me. "I need you to work on my x-wing. There's a delay, like a hesitation in the firing mechanism. And I need it done before I get back."

"Ok. I need you to file a work order with my boss. No one is going to believe little old me if they see me messing with your ride." I paused and sipped my drink. "Why aren't you doing it?"

"It just started to malfunction, and I have to leave. I already put in the work order. I just wanted to make sure you would be the one to fix it. And I wanted to meet you so I could feel better about putting her in your hands."

"Well, this little interaction can't be enough. So far you're trusting your life to a girl drinking in a bar. What do you want to know?" I understood this was his baby. They were all my babies, and I'd never gotten to hold this beautiful black and orange baby in my hands. Black One was to die for. Literally.

His face was so serious. "Tell me about your family."

This was weird, I was being interviewed for a job I already had. "Ooooo-kayyyy. I have the same sob story most of us here have. My family's gone, and I don't want to talk about it. Is that what you wanted?" I pounded a big gulp of ale back.

"Not really."

"How about this then," I said, trying a different angle for him. "I die a little inside every time one of my ships don't come back from a run. You may be attached to Black One, but I've touched the guts of most all the other ships. I have as much attachment as you do." I leaned back and took another sip. "Don't worry about her. I'll personally show you everything I did when you get back."

Poe stood up. "I'm going to have to trust you, even if it bothers me."

"Are you taking your droid with you?" I hoped this would make him relax about the whole thing. "She can help me and you'll know directly from her any changes that are made."

Tilting his head to the side, he gave me a twitch of a smile out of the corner of his mouth. "Ok, but you may regret that. BB-8 can be a handful."

He left the remainder of his drink on the bar and walked out. I swiveled in my chair to watch, feeling a mixture of dismay at someone not trusting me and the spark of what was probably inappropriate lust as he swaggered out the door. Yeah, I said swaggered, I'm not proud I was turned on by that.

I turned back to Rogg, who was still drying glasses with a towel and a smile on his big ugly face. "Shut up Rogg." I don't think I've ever seen him smile bigger.


	2. Chapter 2

It was time. The bay was empty. BB-8 and I approached Black One from the front. Turning to the droid, I explained the process. "You should start recording now. I'm going to get a feel of the fighter first, then I'm going to check all the usual things to make sure she's in good shape. After that I'm going to remove the firing mechanism assembly and take it back to the shop to tear apart." She beeped understanding, and backed up to get a good view. That had to be the furthest she'd been from my side since Poe left. He wasn't kidding about her being a handful. She had shown up at my door in the middle of what should be my 'night' because I work such a late shift, although it was actually morning on D'qar. Luckily she was patient enough to let me go back to sleep, but the next 8 or so hours she was against my leg, questioning every move I made, why was I doing that, can I help… it was maddening.

I stood at the tip of the T-70. Stretching my arms up, I touched the point and began walking along the fuselage toward the wing, lovingly dragging my fingertips along the seams, stopping every so often to rub an area that was scratched or dented. I still wore plastic gloves so I wouldn't leave oils on the special ferrosphere paint that she used to confuse her attackers. But I could still feel heat in a few areas where she was vulnerable. All this is in my own mind I'm sure, but this process has helped me find problems that no one knew existed.

As my hands caressed the leading edge of the wing, I let out an appreciative moan. It was perfect, so smooth and no dents. Staying on track, my hands finished the wing and its laser cannons, and moved all the way to the rear to do the same greeting on her other side, finishing back at the front tip. I climbed into the cockpit and opened the wings so I could inspect the inner walls. The older x-wings didn't split the engine like this, and it added more maintenance for us grunts. Everything was looking great so far, Poe had taken exquisite care of her.

I moved to just below the cockpit where the panel covering her electronics was secured. It felt smooth, but there was a slight discoloring along the edge and a faint smell. Pulling off the panel, I could see instantly she had a problem here. Something had overheated and a large section of the wires had melted. This fighter shouldn't have been able to function. I called to BB-8.

"Did you know about this?"

She sadly beeped back, "yes, I knew something wasn't connecting anymore. I rerouted power and control through different systems to maintain control."

"You saved all of your lives. Good job." I couldn't smile at her because I was pretty upset at the amount of damage. It was time for the toolbox to come out, I had a long night of just removing the damaged section. It was clear BB-8 knew what was wrong, and I suspected that meant Poe did too. I was being tested. Considering how paranoid he was about anyone working on the T-70, I shouldn't be surprised.

As the days went on, so did the repairs. It was a huge job, and now I knew what Poe meant when he said he didn't have time to do it. But, with BB-8's help, I finished a day earlier than planned. I placed the panel back on, but not before drawing my smiley face on the inside cover. The last part was personal-I placed a long kiss on the panel, and told her to take care of her passengers.

I strolled into the cantina again that night, droid at my side. Rogg placed a large glass on the bar and proceeded to mix a bunch of liquids together into it. When it was done, it was a deep blue, and had an umbrella on top. This guy was amazing. How did he know what I needed?

"I hear you've finished Black One. A celebratory drink is in order, I believe." He slid the glass in front of me with a flourish you wouldn't think a being of his size could pull off.

"Word gets around fast I see." I closed my eyes and groaned a little as I sipped the drink. "Excellent, Rogg, as always."

"And how do you feel this time?" He asked.

I looked down at the droid. "You aren't recording anymore BB-8. Right?" After a positive beep, I turned back to Rogg. "I'm fluttery, loopy, my stomach is doing flip flops. I had to really get into this repair, and it took everything I had to stay focused. Black One is such an extension of him that it's hard to feel where he ends and the plane begins. I can still feel his essence in my fingers. I don't know how I'm going to be able to interact with him when he comes back. It doesn't help that he's just so… hot. And justifiably confident."

Rogg leaned forward. "Whatever you end up doing, don't be casual about it. He's not that kind of guy." He walked away to the other end of the bar to finish cleaning up.

Don't be casual. Weird advice from a bartender. I was going to be lucky if I could get a sentence out to Dameron without a quiver in my voice. I could hear his voice in my head, I woke to night sweats thinking about his touch, but essence in my fingers, what a lie. The essence was through every cell in my body.


	3. Chapter 3

I counted off the doorways as I went down the short hallway, hoping I would get the right one. As I laid my hand on the door handle, I paused to steady myself. My fingers were shaking a little, and I was breathing in short shallow breaths. Rolling my rehearsed speech again in my head, I shook my shoulders to get rid of the nerves and pushed open the meeting room door.

"You said for me to come by to go over the repair videos, right?" I asked. Poe turned away from the images BB-8 was playing and motioned with a wave of his hand for me to come in. I walked around the end of the only bench in the room to sit next to him. (Meeting room was a fancy name for it anyway, there was barely enough room for the bench) He leaned over and propped his elbows on his knees, hands clasped together.

"Did you already watch it?" I asked.

"Yeah. It's all fine, you did a great job. I have a couple questions though." Pointing to BB-8, he ordered her to replay. "Stop at mark 2." This turned out to be one of the sections I had spent a long time ripping apart. "Why did you not use the standard procedure to fix this?"

"Well, I didn't use the most recent procedure, but what I did was the old standard way. My dad taught me this one. I believe as he did, that things are fixed too quickly now and problems that will crop up later are missed if you don't look at the entire line of energy flow. Had I done it the latest way, I would have missed the rotten plug and hairline crack here," as I pointed to a section in the air.

Poe looked at me silently for a second. "And this is why I chose you."

I felt my face getting red from embarrassment. Trying to deflect the praise, I played it down. "I'm sure someone would have seen those things eventually. That extra time I take isn't always the best use of time, I'm sure."

He sat straighter on the bench. "BB-8, play mark 1."

The image switched to show me sliding my hands over the wing, my eyes closed. I remembered that moment vividly. It was the instant I had completely immersed myself into Black One. I had felt the power she possessed, and the flow of Poe's own energy that lingered in her. For him to have noticed this special moment in the repair process, well, it scared me a little.

"Explain this to me."

I swallowed, despite my mouth being completely dry. "I can't really. Are you really seeing what happened there? I don't want to freak you out."

"I'm not freaked out. I want to know what you felt here."

I looked at him, assessing how much to reveal. His voice had been so soft and encouraging. Should I trust him? How bad could things turn out if I was honest? I closed my eyes and took a gamble. "I felt the wind. I felt it flowing over the wing, lifting it. I felt you, pushing it harder into the air. I felt her metal strain at the forces against it, and her spirit trying to do as you asked. And I felt joy, from both of you."

Poe's eyes were wide but calm. "How?"

"I don't know. I just can. It's not always joy I feel though. The parts that are broken are painful. And there is sometimes residual fear in some of the ships. It works on people too." I took one of his hands and studied it closely. I rubbed my finger over a small scar on his knuckle. "This shows fondness for some reason. Why?"

He looked down at his hand enveloped in mine. "That's from a pet I had when I was little. She bit me. I deserved it."

Seeing a white line peeking out from where his sleeve was rolled up near the elbow, I began tracing it upwards with my hands. "This one is sharp, pain yes, but there's something missing..." I closed my eyes again and concentrated. It was only half there. I felt the pull of energy and followed it willingly. My fingers left the inside of the arm and went to the side of his abdomen. I traced the line of heat through his shirt up to where it terminated just below his underarm. Poe placed his other hand over mine, the sudden touch breaking my concentration.

"The shot came from below. It went between my arm and chest and sliced both at the same time, that's why they're connected. You don't have to show me more to convince me, I get it."

Realizing I was touching him in a rather sensitive place, I yanked my hands back quickly. "Sorry. No, really, I am sorry, it got away from me for a second there." I closed my feelings up quickly and tried to cover up my embarrassment. I hadn't meant to show him that much. "So are we good with the repair? I should get going."

Poe looked surprised. "Ok, if that's what you want, we can be done here. Are you ok?"

"Oh yeah!" I said brightly. Totally fake. "I just need to go. I've got… stuff to do."

"Hey, Smiley, don't be embarrassed, you don't need to leave. That was amazing that you can do that."

"Thanks." I practically ran out. And 'thanks'? What a stupid thing to say. Closing the door behind me, I leaned against the wall. My insides were shaking. I wanted him so badly, but I didn't want him to know. To admit to someone I wanted their touches, their love, and have them reject me would have devastated me. The misery of wanting and not having was preferable.


	4. Chapter 4

I leaned my dirty, grease covered overalls against the clean doorframe. Poe was deep in concentration, reading something in the air in front of him. I didn't have such cool tech screens in my workspace. Taking my time, I watched him work. His face went through so many expressions as he read his intel. But they all seemed to include the deep groove between his eyebrows. He always looked so intense, like everything constantly worried him. Finally, he sensed me in the doorway and looked up, the wrinkle getting deeper as he wondered about my presence.

"Working hard?" I lightly asked.

"Yeah." He pushed the read outs away and gestured for me to come in. "How are things in the repair world?"

"Normal. As long as you guys don't go off and get shot at, my job is fairly easy."

He didn't ask why I was there. Staring intently, his eyes looked me up and down. He could have used his hands and it would have felt the same to me. I felt weak and naked to him, but I didn't want him to see me as some quivering female. So I tried to at least stand up straight and look back.

"What's your real name?"

I choked a little as I tried to say it. It was almost unnatural to hear it out loud, I had been called Smiley for so long. "Kasey. But don't let anyone ever hear you call me that."

"Why not? It's not a secret, it's your name."

"It's just too personal. Only the people who were really close to me ever called me that. Like my mom when she was yelling at me."

He seemed to ponder that. We both remained still, eyes locked on one another, unable to look away. At least from my point of view that's what it felt like. I didn't want to stop looking at him, I wanted to memorize every feature, and I wanted to see him react to everything. I was in the middle of analyzing his hairline when he finally spoke and broke the spell.

"How does one get to be allowed to call you Kasey?"

I didn't know. "I don't know." Wow, how did that tiny voice come out of my mouth?

He noticed. His eyes softened and the crease between his eyebrows disappeared. I couldn't take a sympathetic response, so I changed the subject. "So, um, I wanted to know if I could have BB-8 help me out with a few things in the shop. If you're not going anywhere? And if you don't mind? I have some things that could go a lot quicker if she could talk directly to the ships for me."

Poe seemed to see straight through why I changed the subject. He sighed and gave me the hated sympathy look I was trying to avoid. Getting out of his chair, he walked to the doorway and put his hands softly on my shoulders. "Yes, you can have BB-8 for a while." His hands slid down my arms and stopped at my elbows. I wanted so much more at that moment, so I did what I had to.

"Thank you." And I walked away.


	5. Chapter 5

One of the tanks in the back must have blown, that was my first thought. My second was that I was facedown on the floor. I coughed, and realized there was smoke everywhere. I pushed my head and shoulders out of the dirt, but my legs didn't respond. Looking down, it became very obvious I wasn't getting out of here without help. Not only did something blow up, but it brought the ceiling down. A huge chunk was pinning my one leg. There wasn't any pain, which made me panic a little. Ok, more than a little. The smoke was getting thicker, and I was getting a clearer picture of my situation. Our base was built into the landscape on D'qar, and my workshop was basically a single entrance cave. The explosion had crumbled the only way out.

Suddenly there was a loud beep. BB-8 had recovered from being tossed across the room. She tried to roll near me, but I stopped her. "Go get the jack," I croaked out, pointing to the corner of the room where it should be. I knew someone would be eventually clearing the doorway, but I could see fire creeping along the floor toward me, igniting everything it could touch. BB-8 returned, frantically beeping at me she had found the jack. Realizing she couldn't just grab it, I looked around. The chain would have to work. "You're going to have to roll very carefully and keep this chain out to your side." I reached as far as I could and clipped it to the ring she offered me. I heard the chain dragging as she rolled away, seeing every inch of ground she covered in my mind.

A wave of relief rolled over me as I heard the grinding of the metal wheels of the jack as it was pulled towards me. Slowly. Too slowly. Daring to look down, my one fear was crawling towards me faster than BB-8. The fire had reached the rock that pinned me, and began to lick into the space to my boot. I could smell burning plastic, although I couldn't feel anything. I flailed my arms around and realized I touched the portable water cooler. Hope flew back into my veins, and I started rocking the pedestal to release the water jug on top. It was heavy enough to flatten me, but… The fire chose that moment to ignite my pant leg, and I let out a scream as it began to burn my skin. With all my strength I tipped the jug down and it bounced off my shoulder, spilling all over me. I aimed the bottle down my leg, extinguishing the flame there for what I knew was only for a few minutes.

BB-8 whistled and gave me the chain. Pulling the jack over the rubble towards me, I jammed it into the crack and started pumping the handle. It just had to raise the rock a little bit… Each pump on the handle was a struggle. I was laying on my stomach, twisted and trying to get leverage to push it down. "Come on, dammit!" I yelled at the tool. As if it heard me, the jack moved the rock up just a hair, but enough where I could drag my leg out. My pants still smoking, I crawled over the rubble to BB-8 and together we made our way as close to the exit as we could get. I pulled my wet shirt up over my face so I could breathe a little better, but the smoke kept getting worse.

I started clawing at the dirt and rocks that covered the doorway. My fingers were bleeding, but I wasn't going to give up unless I passed out. Finding a loose circle of soil, my fingers wiggled through to cool air. And someone's hand grasped mine.

* * *

"I'm fine, I feel great, now Let Me Out Of Here!" I said loudly to the guard at the door. I don't know what he was smiling about. What a terrible job he must have every day. Keeping the nuts like me from roaming around. I wanted my own clothes, I wanted to take a shower by myself. 24 hours for observation was just too much to ask of me. I made my way back to my room, limping on one crutch. Maybe it would be easier with two crutches, but my shoulder hurt too much to use it today.

I collapsed halfway on the bed, my bad leg hanging off the side. Bored.

BB-8 suddenly rolled into my room, beeping happily. I squealed with happiness, and slid onto the floor to hug her. She was cleaned off, and rolled into my arms purring. We sat together for a few moments like that until firm hands grabbed me under my arms and pulled me up, only to push me onto the bed again. "I hear you're being a problem?" Poe said with a small grin, as he fondly ruffled the hair on the top of my head. He lifted both my legs back onto the bed and stared silently at the exposed purple blooms that spread up my thigh from the cast on my calf.

"Come on, you'd do the same thing. The broken leg is set, the bacta is taking care of the burn, and the rest is just bruises. I just want a real shower!" I said dramatically, hitting my head on the pillow for emphasis.

"Then why don't you take one? This is going to be the easiest place for you to do that."

"They keep sending in this really creepy guy, I don't want him touching my naked body." I gave a voluntary shiver for emphasis.

Poe sighed and closed his eyes. "Alright. Let me see what I can do." He walked down the hall to the nurse's station. He had just come from the investigative meeting on the explosion, where BB-8 had played the recording of the events that happened. Hearing her scream as she caught on fire bothered him more than he thought it should. He heard the final screams of many pilots as they plummeted toward their death. But her agony was still fresh on his mind, even if she didn't seem to be affected by her experience. He didn't know how she did it, since she had to be in constant pain. He hadn't wanted to make her uncomfortable when he had looked at her injuries, but it was all he could do to keep himself from tearing the rest of her robe off as he saw the bruises exploded in intensity above her knee. It made his stomach tighten to think about how damaged her entire body was. After a quick conversation at the desk in the hall, he returned with a bottle of soap.

"Your creepy male nurse was a female Gamorrean. Come on, I'll help you into the shower and you can take your clothes off in private." He pulled my arm over his shoulder and helped me hop to the washroom to sit down on the bench.

Sitting on the bench, I felt a little embarrassed. "It didn't really matter who they sent in. I just didn't want a sponge bath from some stranger," I admitted. Trying to perk up a little, I concentrated on the task at hand. "This is going to be a lot easier than I thought." I stuck my leg out to the side and he wrapped it snugly to the knee with a plastic bag they had given him. Handing me the bottle of soap, he started to walk out.

"Wait-can you get me some clothes from my room?" I gave him my best pity face, my eyes all wide and pleading.

Poe rolled his head on his shoulders in an exaggerated expression of annoyance. "Yessssss. Where are your keys?"

I smiled really big. "On the table next to the bed here," I said sweetly.

He closed the door behind him and I pulled off my robe. The worst section of me was my hair, since it was matted with soot and dirt. I doused it with soap, rinsing with the handheld sprayer. Four times. Yuck. Poe had gotten me a little scrubby to use on the rest of my body, which helped a lot. But it still seemed to take forever to finish. I wrapped a towel around me and waited for him to return.

The door opens a crack and his voice filtered in. "You decent? I've got some clothes."

"Yeah, come on in." He stepped in the room with a small pile of clothing. "I'm dry, just hand it to me," I instructed him. He placed the pile in my arms and raced out. I smiled to myself. He was too damn nice.

Looking through the pile, I found he had selected one of my tiny smiley t-shirts and a big fluffy sweatshirt. There was also a pair of shorts and one thigh high warm sock. How he managed to be thoughtful enough to bring the sock and not bring underwear was mind boggling. He'll face off a hundred guys trying to kill him but can't go through a girl's panty drawer. Whatever.

I got the clothes on and called to him to come get me. We did the awkward hop to the bed and I slid onto it. "I couldn't get the nice warm sock you brought me on in the tub. Can you go back in and get me a towel so I can dry my foot off?" I'm so demanding now that I have a willing body to help me.

He did, and I dried my foot off better. I pulled the sock on and stretched it up over my knee and up my thigh. "Ooooohhh that feels so much better," I moaned.

"You look so much better. You smelled really bad." He wouldn't look at me, and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Poe, what's wrong? You're nervous about something."

"It's… you. I'm… messed up, I don't know." He plopped into the chair by my bed. The air around us became serious, and not as flippant as before.

"You were very thoughtful just now, no one has been that nice to me lately. Do you feel like you shouldn't be here? Because I don't know how to tell you how nice it is to see someone today."

"That's not it. I have a few things to tell you." He took a deep breath. "Thank you for getting BB-8 out before yourself. Not many people value the life of a droid."

"She saved my life."

"I know. I just came from a meeting where we watched the video BB-8 was able to provide of the whole thing. I can still hear you screaming…" He picked up two of my fingers as he said it, and began rubbing them his thumb over them. The sensation was enough to stop my breathing, but when I looked at his eyes I could see he was actually upset. About me-getting hurt.

I was silent. Blocking out the past few hours was what was keeping me going. The memory of the fire burning me came back, and replayed again in my head. And again. I couldn't seem to stop the loop. My chest tightened and I could feel the tears pushing at my eyelids. The burns on my leg under the bacta began to hurt, as if I had reminded my skin what had happened. I sniffed really hard and made myself take a breath. I still couldn't talk.

He continued. "It was the consensus of those present that the explosion was intentional. They are not sure if someone was trying to destroy something in the shop or if the target was you. It is possible someone could want to blame you for the death of a pilot who didn't come home, they might think your repair caused it. Until the committee can be sure, they are asking you to remain under guard.

I pulled my hand away from him and covered my face. "I try my best… I can't try any harder to do things right. Was there someone who really died because of a bad repair?"

"No. But that wouldn't keep someone from assigning blame if they were upset. The committee is just being cautious and they understand what kinds of emotions people go through after a death."

He paused. "And I have to leave in a few hours."

It suddenly became too much. I lost it, and started to cry. I hadn't cried when they set the leg, or peeled off the burned fabric, or scraped the melted plastic off my skin. (Don't think I didn't scream, but I did not cry) This was now just too much stress for me to handle.

Poe looked at me helplessly. It was too embarrassing to have him witness my ugly tears. I didn't want an audience. "Please just go, get out. Do whatever it is you have to do, it's probably important. I'll be fine. I got this."

He sat silently, and his face got dark. I think it was anger. "I didn't just come in here to be the messenger, you know. I wanted to see you, and so did BB-8. You keep walking out on me, and now that you can't run away you make me leave." He got up and stiffly walked out of the room. BB-8 spun her head back and forth from me to the empty doorway, obviously confused, then quickly rolled after him.


	6. Chapter 6

So now I have a guard. Who follows me everywhere. He's pretty good at giving me space, probably since I threw up on his boots that morning after having a bad reaction to the pain medication they gave me. No more drugs, I guess, just deal with it. Today we went to my garden I keep behind the cantina for Rogg. I sat awkwardly in the rough stony dirt, my leg sprawled straight out to the side as I weeded the tiny area. Rogg had mentioned once he needed some herb to make me a drink, and since I can't let something like that get in the way of my alcohol intake I decided to grow it for him. It turned into something I do to meditate, pruning and weeding in the relative silence at the edge of the forest.

"Here, sit on this." Rogg had somehow snuck up behind me. He produced a low stool and helped me onto it.

"Thanks. Gotta keep the hired help working, huh?" I smiled up at him.

He leaned over and kissed the top of my head. "I'm glad you're ok. Or mostly ok."

I didn't comment. Sighing, I leaned over to test the new stool.

"I heard your boy came to see you. That means something you know," he said quietly, low enough the guard couldn't hear.

"Well, whatever it meant, I think I screwed it up." I poked furiously at a stubborn weed. "I panicked and actually ran him off."

"Ahh. Seems that means it's your move now. Thought about that?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." I threw the weed far into the woods. "Making my move would imply I knew what I wanted."

"I think you know what you want. You just have to let yourself have it. He's a good guy, Smiley. Fix it." Rogg patted my head and walked off.

* * *

A metallic thunk broke the silence of my room. It was followed by a timid knock. I hobbled on one crutch over to my door. They let me go home to my bunk, but not back to work and I was bored. I'd had lots of free mental time to berate myself over snubbing the poor Gamorrean, so I had gone back and apologized. I don't think she forgave me for thinking she was a male, but I'm pretty used to admitting when I've acted like an ass. I opened the door a crack. "Sorry ma'am, this droid has been bothering the crap out of me, it wants to see you," the guard they posted to follow me around said. BB-8 chose that opportunity to push her way past his feet and force the door open enough for her to roll in. I sighed. "It's fine, she's trustworthy." I shut the door and laid down on my bed. She rolled over to me, and I put my hand out to lay on her lower ball section. And she began to purr. Damn, I loved this little thing.

"I'm glad you guys are back, but why are you here?" I asked her. She gave a frenzied series of beeps, and I could only catch parts of it. "Poe sent you here to see if I was all right?" She gave an uncertain whine, and said "not really." I gave her a doubtful look. "He wondered, and you decided to take it as a directive, didn't you?" She beeped an ashamed "yes."

"I truly wonder what they were thinking when they programmed you," I said to her. "Where is he?"

The parts of my body that weren't injured had been hurting too. I felt guilt and shame for how I treated Poe. Being alone and bored gave me lots of time to replay that scene in my head. And he still wanted to know if I was ok. Figuring I couldn't possibly feel worse than I did now if I came clean to him how I felt, I grabbed the other crutch and made my way to the gym, droid and guard in tow.

Relieved they both agreed to stay in the lobby, I followed the loudest banging noise in the workout room. Poe was smashing a full size bag with his hands and legs, muttering to himself and sweat dripping off his body. It would have been sexy if I wasn't so overcome with guilt, knowing his anger was at me and not the bag. I stopped far enough away so I wouldn't interfere with his kicks and punches, but close enough so he could hear me.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself. You should be resting." He punched the bag again, not looking at me.

"I'm sorry."

He stilled the bag, but didn't look at me. "For what?"

"For a lot of things." I took a deep breath and jumped off. "I'm sorry I turned on you at the hospital. I'm sorry I assumed you would think I was crazy for feeling up your plane. I'm so sorry I made you mad."

He backed up and slammed a fist into the bag. I jumped at the fury behind it. "You need to understand how complicated this is." He hit it again. "I have this feeling I want to protect you somehow, and watching that video of you burning made me feel the most helpless I've ever felt. And it's not that you need my protection, it's that you don't want it and you don't want me to care about you." He kicked the bag this time, and it jostled on its chain. "It hurts."

Tears started to drip down my cheeks. Why did this man make me cry? I sniffed hard. "No one has ever cared for more than a fuck or two. If I prepare myself for short term fun, it doesn't hurt. I didn't expect you would be so different." He kicked the bag again, but said nothing.

I blundered on. "Yes, you were right, I kept running away from you every time it started to get personal. I got panicky because I didn't know what to do next."

He stopped assaulting the bag and put his hands on each side of it to hold it still. Not looking at me yet, he asked, "What did I say that made you think I thought you were crazy for touching my plane?"

"Nothing. It was in my own head. Not many people know I connect that way because they've rejected me when they found out."

Poe finally looked at me. The anger in his face had been replaced by an exhausted look and he walked over to stand in front of me. "Please stop walking away from me then."

I took a deep breath. "Ok. It's really hard though, you know. You're this larger than life person, it's scary to imagine you'd want to be with me… I mean around me. I'm this little grunt that works in a hole in the ground."

Poe cupped the side of my face with a scratchy taped hand. "You know it doesn't matter to me if you're not a big deal celebrity. But you underestimate how many people give prayers of thanks when they find out you're going to be the one to fix their ride. You might be faceless to them, but they know who cares for them."

I tilted my head down in embarrassment. Praise made me feel weird, like I was about to be shoved into a spotlight naked. Poe seemed to see my discomfort and pulled my head against his chest. I relaxed against him instead of the crutches, and he softly put his arms around me. We stood silently, and I gave in. I let myself feel comforted.

Poe broke the spell, lowered his arms to my waist and firmly hugged me against him. A flash of white hot pain went through me, and I gasped. Immediately, Poe removed himself from me and stood at arms length with a horrified look.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Where did I hurt you?"

"It's gone now," I reassured him.

Not looking like he believed me, Poe kept the distance between us and stared at my face. "Why do you look worse than the last time I saw you?"

"Well, bruises look uglier as they heal, is that what you mean?"

"I know that. You do look like a purple monster. You look really tired on top of that."

It was true I could feel exhaustion over the bruising. "I haven't slept," I admitted. "It's too uncomfortable to actually fall asleep. My mind won't shut off, and my bed is so damn hard I can't lay in a spot too long before it starts to hurt."

"Come on. You can rest in my room, I don't have a roommate." I followed him without a word, and we all made our way to Poe's room, making sure to shut BB-8 out with my guard. Poor guy. The guard I mean.

I sat down on the bed and almost sobbed. It was so soft. It reminded me of when I was little and would crawl into my parents' bed, the softest and safest place I'd ever been. Dropping the crutches to the floor, I laid my head down on the pillow. I breathed in his scent from the fabric and closed my eyes. Poe came over and lifted my legs and heavy cast onto the mattress. Finally comfortable and feeling safe, I couldn't help it-I fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: Thanks for the favs & follows, it's nice to know someone is enjoying this. I'm having fun with this character, and I love giving BB-8 a larger role. I hope you continue to like it! ~ _

* * *

I woke the next morning to BB-8 ramming the bed, her polite way of waking me, I guess. Poe was gone.

"Where did Poe go?" I got a scrambled series of beeps that confused me. I could usually understand her, but she wasn't making sense. "Why would he eat in his plane?" This brought on a long story from her, and in the end I still only had an idea of what happened. "So he went to get food, got waylaid by someone, and jumps into another plane without you?" This got me a thumbs up. Now I understood why she was so upset. He went somewhere without her.

"Welcome to the club BB-8." I pulled myself onto my crutches and looked around. "Yesssss!" The man had his own private shower. I guess it was good to be the best pilot. I was not going to let this opportunity pass me by. I got undressed and removed the bacta packs. The burned skin had grown back quickly, and it was ugly. Well, I mostly wore coveralls anyway, so not a huge deal. At least I was alive. Feeling pretty proud of myself that i was able to fool my ego into believing the horrible scarring didn't matter, I picked up the soap and took a deep sniff. My eyes rolled back into my head, it smelled just like him. Taking advantage of this temporary self confidence and incredible privacy, I let my imagination wander. The hot water and steam magnified the scent of the soap and I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to be with Poe. My fingers traced paths I knew he would probably never touch on me, and I gave myself some much needed release, leaning against the side of the shower stall for support. Feeling exhausted but clear-headed, I took the most thorough shower I'd had in recent memory and felt almost good despite the dull ache from every bruise and joint in my body.

Pulling my coveralls back on, I made my way to the infirmary to replace the bacta packs. They pronounced me healed enough to go bacta-free, and I even got a boot to replace the evil crutches. I should be walking normally in a week! I wandered around with the droid, poking my head into the workroom in the flight bay, got yelled at for coming anywhere near work, and ended up with the droid and my ever present guard sitting with me at the cantina. Rogg set a steaming cup of yellow liquid in front of me.

"You need this. Ignore the taste. Trust me." Rogg stood by the table and waited. I sipped the drink, made a face at the bitter taste, but kept drinking.

"Will this give me super powers?" I asked him.

"You already have those. And you have amazing luck. This will help the pain." At that, I almost gulped the hot liquid down, desperate for even a short break from the constant hurt. After a few minutes, I felt calm and relaxed, and something was keeping my thoughts from dwelling on every bruise. It was wonderful.

"Thank you Rogg. You take such good care of me." I stood up and kissed what I was pretty sure was his cheek. He smiled and went back to work.

"Let's party guys. What's a girl gotta do to get free plane rides?"

My guard glared down at me. Apparently that was not an approved activity. As my enthusiasm began to deflate under his gaze, a loud rumble filled the air. "Another explosion," I whispered.

We all jumped up and began making our way toward the sound. I could see the distress on my guard's face, he obviously wanted to run and help but I could only limp along slowly. "I think this answers the question of whether or not they were trying to kill specifically me, don't you think?" I stopped walking and put my hand on his arm. "Go. I'm safe. Help them out." I could tell the decision was tearing him apart, but he turned around and ran to the rising smoke.

It took a while, but I managed to make it to the scene of destruction. People were moving everywhere, pulling rocks and dirt away from yet another cave-turned-workroom. This was on the opposite side of the base from where I worked, so I wasn't as familiar with what was worked on inside the cave. But I wanted to help somehow. BB-8 had left my side, but suddenly came zooming back to me with an injured droid hobbling behind her. I bent down to greet him, but all he could manage was a garbled series of beeps. Scooping him into my arms, I looked around for a place to sit. Out of the way but not far was a grouping of rocks, and I plopped down with the little droid. He sat still as I pulled his housing off and began to reconnect broken wires with my fingers, twisting ends together and stealing electrical tape from other areas inside him. He squealed with joy when I replaced his cover, and flew back into the fray of rescuers. I smiled to myself, knowing he was better even though he hadn't thanked me. Probably wasn't part of his programming. I got it. That was the way with a lot of droids.

But it didn't end there. Those droids, big and small, communicate with each other. It wasn't long before I had a line of droids in front of me, all having some sort of damage caused by their proximity to the explosion. Small parts began to pile near me as they started to learn what I needed to help them. Tweezers and pliers somehow appeared. I fixed them as best I could with what I had. When the crowd thinned away, BB-8 rolled up, concerned about another droid trapped in the rubble that no one seemed to be caring about. I looked at the area, and it seemed easy enough to dig through. Grabbing a piece of metal, I began to carve away at the dirt and throw small rocks aside.

"No, no, stop. Tell me what you're trying to do and I'll do it." Snap Wexley appeared at my side and took the makeshift shovel out of my hand. I glared up at him, pissed at being patronized.

"I'm doing just fine, don't take over because I'm a girl, Snap."

He rolled his eyes skyward. "I'm helping you because if Poe found out I let you dig in this rubble he'd kill me." Jess walked up at that moment.

"Seriously, listen to Snap and let us dig. It's not a girl thing." I liked Jess. I liked his whole squadron. They weren't cocky like many others, they knew they were good but never bragged about it.

"Um," I started, unsure of what I was asking. "So, why would you think Poe would be upset?"

Jess gave me the "are you kidding" glare. "Puh-leeze. We know where you were last night. And besides, have you seen a mirror? No one who looks as bad a shape as you should be walking around, much less digging a rescue mission. Honey, you're a walking purple monster."

I paused at that. No, I hadn't looked in a mirror. There weren't many around, and all I ever did was pull my long hair back with a rag so it wasn't like I did anything beyond basic hygiene. If her assessment was anything close, I probably didn't want to see myself anyway. "How do you know where I was?" I hissed.

Snap answered as he continued digging. "Because he was sleeping in my room and kept me awake with all his snoring."

At this point of what I was considering a very helpful conversation, they pulled a crushed droid out of the dirt. I crouched down and examined him. "I'm sorry BB-8, he's gone. Do you know who he belonged to?"

She gave a sad beep. I felt sad all of a sudden too. "What did she say?" Snap asked.

"He belonged to one of the two people who were killed. There's no one to mourn him or remember him." At that moment, another injured droid walked up, missing his arm. I glanced down at the dead machine, and slowly removed his arm. "Remember who donated their parts to you," I said to the injured droid as I attached the arm to him. He gave a solemn beep and walked away.

"That was so sad, but so meaningful, it was a beautiful thing you just did Smiley," Jess said softly. I gave her a sad smile.

"Do I really look so bad, Jess?" I asked tiredly.

"Babe, your eye is blood red, half your face is purple, every piece of bare skin showing has scabs on it, so I can only imagine what that coverall is hiding." She smiled really big. "But you're alive."


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: Thank you weasleyO and guests for the reviews! I've heard another author say that reviews are like oxygen, and she was right. They keep the story alive and give the strength to write more. Speaking of, here's a little more..._

* * *

I walked carefully out of the infirmary. The savior-turned-evil boot was off, and all their magic potions they injected into me had accelerated the bone healing. Walking out the door I was hit with the heat of the day, a stark contrast to the cool rooms I had just been in. Well, that did absolutely nothing to help the sweat that had been pouring off me from the last evil deed the doctor did. I was pretty sure she had decided I had been inked enough already that I could handle the lack of any kind of pain blocker. My tank top clung to my skin in all the wrong places, and I could feel the tendrils of my hair sticking to my neck as they escaped the rag I had it tied up with.

"Wow. You look like shit." A voice I had come to easily recognize came from behind.

"Thanks. I'll try to do this look all the time." I sneered a little at Poe.

"I thought you were just getting the boot off, what happened?" He pushed himself away from the wall he was casually leaning against and came up beside me. I hadn't seen him since that one night he let me sleep in his bed, which was just frustrating and confusing. Those words that he said about caring for me and wanting to protect me were sounding more like I was a pet animal instead of a potential lover. Better to tamp down my hopes now, and just accept a close friend. That was something I didn't have anyway, so I guess it could be a good thing. Yeah, a sexy, beautiful, swaggering pilot friend. Great.

"Doctor gave me another tattoo. At least that's what it felt like, there was a lot of needle jabbing. It better be a spectacular one for all the poking." I saw his horrified look, and gave an internal eye roll. "It's fine, they missed some shrapnel in my back and it got infected. She decided to give me stitches instead this time. And I'm pretty sure they must have gotten a new shipment of drugs in because she poked me with a couple other things, muttering something about damn mechanics always touching stuff."

"So, where do you have a tattoo?" he asked, eyebrows raised in interest.

"Oh, I guess you wouldn't really notice it, it's actually pretty small." I turned sideways a little and lifted my thick ponytail up. "It's just below my hairline here on the back of my neck." He moved behind me and took my hair from my hand to look for himself. The sudden tingle of his fingers tracing the flowy script of the word "Fly" took my breath away.

"Why did you choose that? Do you fly?"

"I did. A long time ago." I paused to remember the last time, hearing my little sister's giggle as we did a barrel roll in the air. Stopping the memory, I came back to the present and looked back at Poe. "When I said I could feel the air flowing over Black One's wing, and the joy you felt, I wasn't pretending or making it up. I know."

He dragged his fingertips down my spine a couple inches before pulling away. Pretty sure my vagina contracted a little at that. This friend thing was going to be difficult.

"C'mon. I'm supposed to show you where your new workshop space is. When can you go back to work?" Poe started walking in front of me.

"Tomorrow." I followed him slowly, not wanting to immediately stress out my newly healed leg. Finally realizing he was walking too fast, he slowed and continued next to me.

"So tell me a little about what stuff you flew."

I hesitated. Did I really want to dredge up my memories? It was like opening a box that could potentially depress me for who knows how long. "It was a long time ago Poe. I'm not sure I can talk about it without getting sad." I pulled my hands out of my pockets as I started to limp, my leg was getting tired really quickly.

Poe looked down at me. "We're almost there, you can make it."

I barked out a laugh. "Is that how you get all your pilots to follow you? Reckless encouragement despite the risk of injury?"

He smiled, but without humor. "Sometimes it's necessary."

We approached one of the hangars that housed some of the larger aircraft. He led me to a little side door hidden by the drooping fronds of the native plants growing on the roof. As we walked through the door, Poe slyly moved to the side and behind me. Now I understood our purpose for coming here. A small group of pilots and mechanics were gathered around a little desk, their eyes smiling and focused on me. A loud "whoooooo!" came from the group, and I dropped my chin in embarrassment. Poe wordlessly urged me toward the desk and chair by poking his finger into my side.

My boss approached. "We have a couple tiny things for you." He produced a cane from behind his back. It was horribly gaudy, a makeshift pipe taped up with bright yellow tape. "This is from the mech guys. You're supposed to be using one of these, but we talked the doctor out of giving you one so we could make sure you used this exceptionally beautiful work of art." I groaned and smiled, not totally in control of this strange feeling. They really appreciated me, and it was hard to accept that.

I sat down in the chair and held the cane in one hand. One of the pilots came up to the desk. "We got you something too." With a cocky smile, he put a beer mug down that was filled with yellow grease pencils, the ones I used on the parts I fixed. "We didn't want to have to guess who fixed our stuff, so we wanted to make sure you had these."

I put the back of my hand to my mouth. This was beyond sweet, I hadn't known really, that they cared. "Thank you guys. This is amazing." They seemed to want to prevent any weepy tears, and descended on me with hugs and fist bumps.

"OK, back to work slackers," my boss yelled. "And you, get to sleep so you can get here on time tomorrow night. I don't want you getting used to this daylight." He smiled as he said it, but I knew he was right. My sleep schedule was a bit off, and I needed to get back in the swing of things.

Poe remained after everyone had wandered off back to work. He was leaning against a pole, arms crossed in front of his chest. Sexy, sexy, sexy. Stop it, stop it, stop it, I internally scolded myself. Instead I smiled at him, and when he didn't move, I got up and walked over with my new cane.

"He's right, I need to sleep. Got time to walk me back to my bunk?" I asked, tilting my head to the side a bit.

"Sure." We walked out the door, and I could feel his hand just barely touch the small of my back as he held the door open. Maybe I could get used to this kind of familiarity. Just embrace it and let it make me feel good. We walked in silence for a while, and I kept wondering if I should just outright ask him what he was doing. Did I really want to hear him say "What do you mean?"? That would be embarrassing. Devastating. So I'll keep that question to myself until his actions get undeniably beyond the friend zone. That felt safe, and I wasn't running away from him like he was upset about before.

We passed a shady area next to the edge of the woods, and I stopped. "I have to rest, this is really far from my bed. I'll have to remember to leave extra early for work tomorrow." I guess my exhaustion really showed, and Poe sat down on the ground without a word. I leaned back against a large rock and gazed at him, my eyes half closed. I guess if I wasn't going to jump right in and boink the guy, I could get to know him.

"How did you learn to fly?" I started. This was always a good starting point with pilots. They loved telling their stories, and you could really see which ones were serious about it. I already knew this about Poe, that he was one of the dedicated for life ones. But I wanted more personal stories from him.

Poe picked up a long blade of some kind of grass and began playing with it. "My mom started me on it. I would sit in her fighter with her when I was really little. She would take me up and sometimes let me fly. When I got older I would sneak out and take rides by myself." He smiled and looked at the ground. "I was really stupid. But lucky."

"Is she happy with what you're doing now?"

Poe kept playing with the grass. "I would hope she would be. She died when I was eight."

I felt really bad I had brought this up now. That was not the happy story I was trying to get out of him. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make this a sad conversation."

His voice became lighter. "No, it's not bad. I was really young. I do wish she was still around, my dad would be happier." He pulled a chain out from underneath his shirt. "I keep her ring though, to remind me."

Wow. That hit me in the gut a little. "Where is your dad?"

"At the moment I'm not sure. He moves around occasionally. He's not in the fight anymore though. As far as I know anyway. But we still keep in touch when we can." He stuffed the ring back under his shirt.

Poe stood and offered me a hand up. I grabbed it and we started walking again. "Still don't want to talk to me about flying?" he asked.

"Nope. I'm having a pretty good cry-free day. I don't want to ruin it." As I said it, a girl started running toward us, waving her hands excitedly. We stopped and she threw her arms around Poe's neck. He smiled and chuckled a little as her momentum spun them around a little.

"Poe! You're back! I'm so happy to see you!" she squealed in a high pitched voice. Considering she was not a teenager, this had to be the usual female response he got from what was probably a fangirl. A little repulsed and slightly jealous, I decided I was close enough to my bunk and quietly kept walking. I could still hear her giggling flirtatiously from across the quad. Internally I gave a deep sigh of resignation. There was no way I was going to act like that to get his attention.


	9. Chapter 9

_AN: Writing this chapter put me in a really awful mood, then a friend died, then my grandma died... it's been a lovely week. Anyway, the flashback here was inspired (not a great word for it, you'll get what I mean later) by a certain scene in The Promise. So if you've seen the movie, you've got a visual... (again, not a great word for it)_

* * *

It turned out I really did have to leave extra early every afternoon for work, it was a long walk, or limp, as I would call it. But the night walks home or to the cantina were cool, and it was nice not to sweat for a while. Occasionally Poe would still be in the cantina when I got off, and we would talk about our day. Sometimes he would get carried away and get this dreamy look in his eyes, describing the clouds or the great tailwind he had gotten. Watching him manage to enjoy his life between the days he was either risking it or killing people was good to see. I had no illusions as to what we were up against in this fight. Pilots didn't just go around doing fancy flying, they shoot to kill. And bombers needed their equipment to function flawlessly, or someone could kill them before they could get the job done. I was here to ensure that part too. We all were pieces of the Resistance machine. We were all important.

Tonight, I had about an hour left to work. One of the guys came in with a huge metal dumpster. "Presents for you milady. Only the best trash for you," he said with a smile.

I bounced up excitedly. "Yay! Thank you!" I skipped toward the dumpster and peeked over the edge. The guys had scored a scavenger vessel and I loved the spare parts I could find in the mess.

"You are such a cheap date," he chuckled. "Not many people would be so excited about trash."

"I LOVE it. So many treasures! There could be a perfectly good set of wrenches in here, you never know."

He shook his head and left laughing softly. I got a ladder, got suited up in a full body coverall, and put on some majorly tough gloves. I didn't need to get cut up while digging through this stuff. Climbing gingerly over the top edge of the bin, I started pulling stuff off the top of the pile and began the process of sorting. I wasn't going to finish this whole bin tonight, but I could make a dent in it, and I got the first pick before the morning shift would get in and loot it. This stuff turned out to be a goldmine of droid parts. Digging deeper, I felt what seemed to be a completely unbroken casing for a mini mouse droid. As I strained and pulled it out, I felt something. My fingers tingled through the gloves. The part came free from the other junk, and indeed it was a mouse droid. And I recognized it.

Shaking, I climbed out of the dumpster and carried the droid with me. I collapsed to my knees and tore off my gloves. It just wasn't possible, it couldn't be the same droid. I popped the sides off and held my breath before looking inside. I felt a little bit of tunnel vision as I saw her name scratched into the metal. Ayla. My baby sister's droid had somehow made its way across the galaxy to me. I heard this horrible noise from far off, not realizing it was me. My arms encircled the parts, and I realized I was falling apart. There wasn't any stopping this breakdown though. Years of denying myself the ability to grieve suddenly gave way, and the horrors of finding my family killed by stormtroopers came back as if it had just happened.

Jorge, the coworker who had brought the dumpster in came running through the door. "Smiley! Are you ok? Did you hurt yourself in there?" He bent down and patted my shoulders, trying to see why I was curled up in a ball. I wordlessly shook my head at him and kept crying. He sat on the ground and looked at me helplessly. When he realized I wasn't going to stop, he leaned over and said, "hang on. I'll be back."

_The quiet. I remembered the lack of sound as I snuck in the back window of our home. And the mess. Seeing the house in such disarray was jolting. Fear almost paralyzed me, but I moved through the rooms looking for them. Nothing. I went back outside as quietly as I'd come in and crept through town. There was no one here. I kept walking, following a path into the woods, and I found them. All of them. The whole town. Their bodies were piled on top of one another. All of them dead. I couldn't breathe, and stumbled through looking for my family. My mom's eyes looked out through the gap in someone's elbow, hauntingly empty. I started to throw up, but kept pulling bodies off her until I found all three of them. I moved my neighbors, the cool lady who made the best cupcakes, even the guy who was my first kiss. Not able to make a sound, I held my little sister in my arms and tried to scream. But nothing came out. _

I was still trying to scream when Jorge and Poe came running into the shop. At this point I had fallen over on my side, still clutching the little droid. Poe pulled my body into a sitting position and Jorge started pulling the droid out of my hands. I started to freak at that, and Poe shook his head at Jorge. "It's ok, you can hang on to that, we won't take it," he said.

"What the hell?" Jorge asked Poe quietly.

Poe shrugged and shook his head silently at him, lips pressed thinly together. "Kasey, please tell us what happened." Poe smoothed my hair back from my face.

I started hiccuping. "It was Ayla's," I choked out, ending in a wail.

Poe looked questioningly at Jorge, who shrugged his shoulders. "Who is Ayla?" Poe asked, still stroking my hair.

I started coughing, and managed to tell him. "My sister…" And I started to gag. Jorge immediately produced a bucket, and I heaved into it. My fingers shook as I held on to the edges, and it felt like I was turning myself inside out. I was so out of control of what my body was doing I couldn't see Poe mouth the words "she's dead" to Jorge. But I felt his hand slide up and down my back, and he handed me a rag to wipe my mouth. Jorge brought me a cup of water, and the three of us sat on the ground until I started to breathe normally again.

"Come on, you need some sleep," Poe said as he pulled me to a standing position. My eyes were closed, and I almost felt half asleep already.

"I'll close up here," Jorge told him. "Tell her I won't say anything to anyone. I've never seen her break before. Nobody has."

Poe nodded and steered my sleepy body out. I was vaguely aware he brought us back to his room, which was a relief. There was no way I wanted to face the people I shared a bunk with. He laid me down for the second time on his incredibly soft mattress. But this time he sat with me and pushed strands of hair away from my face that were sticking to my skin with dried tears. When I was almost asleep, he tried to pull the small droid out of my hands. I woke in a panic, and started breathing erratically again.

"Let's put this on the floor, I promise it will be here when you wake up," he tried to say soothingly, like he was talking to a wild animal. Trusting him, I let him take it from me. I started crying again, but at least it wasn't as hard as before. These were more tears of sadness, instead of the tears of horror. Poe laid down behind me and put one arm around my collarbone, pulling me close. I held on to his forearm with my fingers, and finally fell asleep as he rested his chin on the top of my head.

* * *

"Good morning," I heard in my mind. I opened my eyes to see a large black one level with the mattress staring back at me. Reaching my arm out I placed it on her lower ball lovingly. She wiggled a little with happiness, and it made me smile. Strange how I just interpret her language as if she is actually speaking my own, I understand her so easily. "How are you?" BB-8 asked.

"I'm ok sweetie." Looking around, I realized I was alone. "Where is Poe?"

"He's coming," she replied.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, they were gross. I felt like I had done a ton of physical work, my body was so heavy and sore. The door opened, and Poe hesitantly walked in.

"Hey," he greeted me.

"Hey back," I replied. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. To me, anyway. Jorge was the one who cleaned your puke bucket." He smiled to lighten the mood.

I put my head in my hands. "That was awful. I should have been able to handle it better."

Poe rummaged through a drawer and pulled out a toothbrush. "Here. Start with this to make you feel better."

I took it and went and brushed my teeth. When I was done, I stood staring at the toothbrush in my hand, wondering where I should put it. Slowly, I deposited it into the cup that held his own toothbrush. That was a weird feeling. Poe walked in. "What's up?" he asked.

"It's nothing big. It was just a weird moment when I realized I have a toothbrush in the bathroom of a guy I'm not sleeping with. Something new for me." I turned and walked past him back into the room.

"Sit down," he said. "We're going to talk."

I obeyed. I sat back on the bed, and he pulled his only chair in front of me. "You need to get this out. Tell me why you were so upset." He took two fingers into his hand and held them firmly, giving me an anchor.

"I don't want to relive it again. It was just so awful." But I told him. The first part about me searching was ok, but not when I recounted how I found everyone. I cried through every word, not sure if he understood it all but I was only going to say it this one last time. When I got to the part where I held my sister, he moved and sat next to me on the bed and pulled me tight against him. "And then I ran," I wheezed. "I ran until I found a ship that wasn't First Order. And I hid. When the crew found me they dumped me off immediately. I lived in alleys for a while until I found a ship that would hire me as a mechanic. I did that for a couple years, and finally I scored a crew that worked here on D'qar. I've been here ever since." Exhausted, I closed my eyes.

Poe rocked me soothingly. "I can't believe you held that in for so long. But this is good for you." I started to cry again, letting the hopefully last of my frustrations out as I twisted the fabric of his shirt in my hands. When I stopped, he pulled away and rubbed my arms quickly and roughly to get the blood flowing. "Go take a shower, you'll feel better. And then we need to talk about what to do with the rest of the stuff in that dumpster. Jorge hasn't let anyone touch it in case you wanted to find more. But it was from scavengers, and it's all old stuff, so there might not be anything for you to find anyway."

I nodded and went into the bathroom. When I emerged, feeling a lot better, he was working on a data pad and a small pile of my clean clothes was on the bed. "Thank you," I said as I took them back into the bathroom to change. While I really felt like I didn't care if he saw me change clothes, I figured he didn't need to be barraged with more personal stuff from me after all this.

When I came out looking like a clean new person, he went with me back to my workshop. The guys on the first shift had left the dumpster alone, Jorge must have threatened them with something awful because usually we were vultures picking through a new bin. "They were just told there were personal items of yours in there, nobody knows what happened except me and Jorge," Poe said.

I nodded my thanks. "Is this keeping you from something? It's really nice that you're here but I don't want you to feel…" I stopped talking when I saw the look on his face. "I'm sorry. I'm glad you understand. I really need you here for this."

He hoisted me over the edge of the bin and I started sorting again. I didn't find much, but there were a few things I could tell had come from my town. I threw them back over the edge to Poe's waiting arms and kept digging until I was satisfied there wasn't anything else.

I climbed out. Poe had a piece of junk I had thrown to him raised in the air. "What is this?" He asked, an incredulous look in his eyes that I would want what to him seemed like a useless piece of crap.

"It's a cupcake pan. From the dead cupcake lady. She made the most delicious desserts I've ever eaten. And I want to remember her for the rest of my life since there probably isn't anyone else to do that for her." I sniffed my runny nose but didn't break down. Yay. "This was exhausting," I commented. "Maybe a little therapeutic. If I can get past the awful stuff maybe someday I can remember happy things from back then." I rubbed my fingers over the edge of the pan. "Like her cupcakes."

Poe gave me a big hug, sandwiching the pan between us. "You'll get through this. You're stronger than a lot of people here. And I will be here when I can if you need something."

"Thank you Poe. I couldn't have gotten through last night without you." I sniffed again and put my chin on his shoulder. "You called me Kasey."

"Yeah, I guess I did."

"Why?"

Poe was quiet for a moment, thinking. "Because at that moment you weren't the cool guy who fixed my plane, you were my friend who needed help." Pushing us apart and holding my shoulders, Poe smiled at me. "I have some work to do tonight, but I'll meet you at the cantina when you get off, ok?"

I nodded. I was tired already and still had a full night of work ahead, but I had opened a door to my memories and I needed someone to help me close it or somehow deal with it.


	10. Chapter 10

So began a fairly regular meet-up at the cantina. It was sort of unspoken, but I always headed there after my shift. Sometimes Poe would be there, other times not. We traded stories about our earlier lives, he would talk about what he could remember growing up on Yavin, I tried to describe the planet I was from. While I started talking about landscapes and different types of animals that I grew up with, I slowly added in small stories about my family and neighbors. Eventually I could even talk about how much I loved and missed them. I don't know if he thought he was being subtle, but I knew what he was doing. Every discussion progressed me further along toward healing. It really was no wonder how I had never dealt with the pain, I had never once had someone close enough I felt I could trust with my feelings.

I got to know quite a bit about Poe's earlier life. He had a small worship problem when it came to his mother. He also had been a reckless kid who had incredible luck at not getting caught or getting hurt. But he didn't tell me things about his current life. This was frustrating sometimes, because as personal as we seemed to get with each other, he never steered it toward anything remotely romantic or sexual. It was as if he had zero interest in me that way, and I was falling hopelessly in love with him. My jitters from fixing his plane had faded weeks ago, but were replaced by a much more solid sense of where he came from and what drove him. But the huge gaps in his stories worried me. There were never tales about fellow squadron member interactions, nothing about his time before the Resistance when he was in the Republic military. And certainly nothing recent.

I poked my head into the cantina door and spotted Poe at the bar. I walked over and bumped shoulders with him, trying to push him off the barstool. It didn't work but all I wanted was just to get his attention.

Tonight I didn't feel like drinking. "Can we just go for a walk? It's really warm and clear tonight," I asked him.

"Sure." Poe waved at Rogg and we headed to the path that had been worn around the edge of the runways. "Ready to talk to me about flying?"

"Ugh, you're like a therapist," I groaned. "Yeah, I guess so." I took a deep breath. "I learned when I was a teenager. I never got to sit in a plane until then, unlike you." I stuck my tongue out at him playfully. "I hung around the airport by my house so much the guys there kind of adopted me. My dad taught me a lot about machines but these guys taught me aircraft repair. I think they were excited someone young was interested in planes so I got a lot of attention. Eventually they started giving me rides and letting me take the controls. I got pretty good," I said proudly. "But you want to know other stuff, I know." I hesitated, not sure what to tell him or where to start.

"I love the feel on takeoff. I love seeing how small things are below. I loved how I could make my sister laugh. I would take her up with me and do barrel rolls, and she would scream and giggle and make me do it over and over." I crossed my arms in front of me. "After they died I didn't have any chances to fly again. And here I just fix things. I'm better at repair than piloting so that became my job. I'm annoyed at some of you pilots, and some I'm in awe of. But I know that I share that love of the sky with all of you, and I'll always feel that connection." We stopped walking and looked up at the stars.

"It's not often I get to see the sky as beautiful anymore," Poe commented. "If I head up there it's usually to fight someone. Maybe someday that will change."

We stared at each other in the dark. His eyes sparkled as they caught some of the light from the buildings. I wanted to stare at him forever like that. And I did for a long time. We didn't speak, he didn't look away. But he never reached out to touch me. Who was I to criticize that? I didn't reach out either. It was enough for now.

* * *

BB-8 made her way up and down the rows of my garden. I could hear her little beeps as she fried the weeds with little jolts of electricity. This turned out to be her favorite way to help me, and I'm not sure why she seemed to get so much joy out of killing something. But it did make me feel better to know she felt remorse, because I occasionally heard a sorrowful whine when she accidentally killed a plant she shouldn't have. I straightened my back and stretched in an arc backwards to make it crack. It wasn't the ideal day to be out weeding. It was unbearably hot, and I had stripped down to a sports bra and rolled up the legs of my cargo pants to my knees. I even removed my boots, which turned out to be really enjoyable as my toes cooled themselves in the dirt.

"What are you making my droid do?" I heard from the edge of the garden. BB-8 squealed and rolled quickly towards Poe, who knelt and rubbed her belly with just as much glee.

"I make that droid do nothing, which you should already know. She does what she wants. And you'd better watch her, she's getting too excited about killing things." I smiled and walked over to him. "Nice to see you in one piece," I said, wrapping my arms around his waist.

Poe leaned his head down and kissed the top of my head. This was as affectionate as he ever got. "Yeah, me too."

I went to pull away from him and slid my hands across his back. I felt a small line of puffiness and stroked it with my finger, automatically trying to determine its cause the same way I had felt his scars in that dark meeting room long ago. The shock of emotion I felt took my breath away, and I felt punched in the gut. It must have shown on my face, because Poe quickly pulled out of my arms.

"Shit Kasey, I'm sorry you had to feel that."

I clamped down my pain. He could do whatever he wanted, we were just friends, remember? But the erotic passion in that scratch was choking me, and I couldn't speak. I turned around and went back to weeding as he stood there silently, not knowing what to say either.

When I had control again, I tried to talk. "You know Poe, I know your past life as well as my own now, but you should share some things about your life that are happening. Yes, a lot is classified, and I'm not asking for that." I still couldn't look at him. "I share everything with you because you're the closest friend I have. When you don't reciprocate, it's hard for me to know where I stand in your life. It's not fair to me." I paused, intending to keep ranting but I ran out of steam.

Poe sat down in the dirt row facing me as I continued to work. He did a lot of sighing, but I waited. "I don't know what to say to you about my life when I leave here. You feel like family to me, and it has become something I rely on to ground me when I return from stressful missions. I'm not the same person when I'm out there, I kill people and lie to them. I don't want you to see that part of me."

"You weren't killing HER."

"No."

"Were you lying to her?"

"No."

"Then explain."

He swallowed hard. "She was my contact. We had barely survived an op, and needed to… share the relief of being alive. And before you ask, because I know you will, yes, there have been others. Not for the same reason but it was still just sex."

I sat silent and still. The only sound was BB-8 zapping away at weeds. I was starting to feel numb, and it was actually a relief. "Ok. This has been a revelation. And I'm glad you explained it to me. I want to know you Poe. I care about what goes on in that head of yours. I don't care that you cope by turning into someone different when you have to… complete a mission. I've separated my mind from what I had to do too, at certain times of my life."

He leaned over and picked a weed. "I do what's needed to get the job done. It's not always pretty… or moral. I love you Kasey, and I don't want to jeopardize what we have by having meaningless sex with you, or showing you what a terrible person I can be."

I looked straight at him. My feelings were hurt, and he was frustrating. "Then don't just let it be meaningless sex."

He didn't respond. Just when I was about to give up, he answered in a tired, defeated tone. "I don't know if I'm capable of doing that anymore." Then he stood up and left the garden.

"That went well, Kasey," I told myself sarcastically out loud.


	11. Chapter 11

_AN: Sorry for the long span of silence. I had to make sure I knew where I was taking us. And of course, life and writer's block didn't help. But I think it's time to jump back on this merry-go-round. Now which button do I push to make this go..._

* * *

I stopped pulling weeds and sat staring into space. My head bent down and I braced it with both hands, the gravity of what just happened hitting me. I felt like there was a huge weight on me, and I just couldn't hold myself up. Suddenly BB-8 was there between my knees. She had rolled silently down the rows and stopped with her head to the side. I put my arms around her ball and laid my head against her cool metal. She didn't purr, but sat there silently and let me hold on.

I was concentrating so hard on BB-8 I didn't hear him. Warm arms surrounded me and placed their hands on the droid over mine. Poe kneeled behind me and enclosed me between his body and the droid. He buried his face on my neck, and we all just sat together silently. I was filled with sadness and pain, almost made worse because he was not being an asshole about the whole thing.

He lifted his face slightly. "I'm sorry Kasey. I'm trying so hard not to hurt you. Maybe how I've been doing it isn't the right way. But I thought it was. Getting stuck with a pilot, especially one like me, is emotionally hard and a lot of times unfair. I've done it before and watched others go through the same pain. And I will do anything for this Resistance. That's a lot to expect someone to accept in a relationship."

I kept my cheek on the ball. "You need to trust me to know what I can handle."

"I'll have to work on that." He gave me a final squeeze and a kiss in my hair, then left again. I released BB-8 and she followed him.

* * *

"Stupid truck!" I growled as I hit the brake caliper with the sledgehammer. The best way for me to get out some rage was to do it physically, and since I knew this truck was going to piss me off anyway, I decided to fix it today. The entire thing was encrusted with rust, and not a single part would come loose. I started with the rear brakes, and as I expected, when the wheel came off the whole mechanism was frozen with rust. Perfect. I leaned back to build some momentum as I swung the hammer. Metal hit metal, and nothing moved. Again and again, I battered the part without budging it, but I didn't stop. Swearing loudly with each swing, I finally attracted the attention of my boss. He silently got behind me and grabbed the hammer as I was about to take another whack.

"Okaaaay, maybe we should try another tactic," he said cautiously. "How about you take a break and deal with this one later?"

"Fine," I said dejectedly.

He sighed and shook his head. "Smiley, I've been married for over 30 years, and when they say 'Hell hath no fury like a woman' it's always because a man has done something. Now I don't want to know anything about your personal life, but everyone in this building can hear you and we can all tell you're pissed. We know Poe is the only personal friend you have, but unless you want everyone to know you two are having problems you'd better try to be a little quieter."

Shit.

I hung my head. "I'm sorry. I'll go find something quieter to work on." I headed for my workbench and he left the bay, taking the hammer with him.

I'd been thinking for a while I needed to repair Ayla's droid, and I was suddenly overcome with the need to have a friend. It was going to be emotionally hard, but the familiarity this little thing would have was something I suddenly craved. I set her broken frame on the bench and started carefully taking apart the casing. The violence she had experienced was emanating strongly into my fingers, and I became determined to restore her. Just as my shift was about to end, I got one tiny light to glow inside her. That little response gave me so much hope.

That night after work I sat alone with Rogg at the bar. It didn't take long for him to ask what was wrong.

"I'm not sure, Rogg," I said as I downed my third drink. "There is some kind of problem in his head when it comes to real intimacy. And he thinks he's a terrible person when he's working out there. Who knows, maybe he is."

Rogg stood thoughtfully drying a glass. "A few guys deal with their guilt with alcohol. Some just act out like assholes. A lot just keep quiet and bury it down inside them. Poe is one of those. You think you want him to open up to you, but I don't think you'll be able to accept what you find. I also don't think he will let you know anyway."

I rolled that around in my head with the alcohol. "I deal with my horrible memories with booze, don't I Rogg?"

"Yes you do," he answered. "And tonight you've had enough to numb you to sleep. Go to bed. Poe will come back to you eventually."

I woke the next day with a slight hangover. Not too bad, but I felt like doing absolutely nothing. I wandered to the flight line to watch stuff fly away. Most days were quiet, but today there was a lot of activity so it was something interesting to watch. Just hearing the power in some of those engines gave me a rush. I hadn't been off D'qar in over a year and I felt the yearning to fly again. It became strong enough it almost hurt, so of course I pounced on that depressing feeling and helped it expand. Just when I began to feel tears at the corner of my eyes, the tone of activity around me changed. They were clearing stuff off the landing areas quickly. Someone was coming in.

Three X-wing squadrons screamed down from the sky. My eyes scrutinized them as they landed. Some were in bad shape. I watched the pilots get out, and tried to decipher their moods. Nobody was happy looking, the majority looked tired, and a few I could tell were pretty shook up. I focused on their planes instead. Waiting until those particular pilots had walked away, I casually walked around their X-wing. As my hands slid down the wing I trembled. There was so much fear and adrenaline still vibrating through it. I laid my palm on a scorch mark and felt a sharp spike of desperation. This guy had all but given up on surviving this trip. He was lucky. But he would have to go out again. And somehow control the memory of that fear or he might not come back next time.

I watched the last ship land. Beautiful Black One hovered perfectly down, not a scratch on her. I watched Poe climb down the ladder and BB-8 ejected herself. She quickly rolled away, probably to debrief with the other droids. Poe remained and did a walk-around his plane, checking for damage. When he finished, he picked up his helmet and confidently followed the same path as the droid. I studied his face, or what I could see from this distance. It was a mixture of anger, some kind of intense emotion I couldn't put a finger on, and the same closed-off look so many of the other pilots had. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now I could tell, and probably especially not me. I stood still hoping I wouldn't be noticed.

When I was sure he was gone, I went over to Black One. I didn't touch her, but I didn't have to. The heat still emanating from her guns was hotter than I had ever imagined. No one else I had walked near was so hot. She had fired more than her share, which meant one major thing. A lot of beings had died at Poe's hands today.

Later when I got off work I went to the cantina. Rogg motioned me over and leaned down. "He was here for a minute. He just left." I knew what he meant and quickly headed to the paths that ran in front of his room. I was lucky. He was just opening his door when I ran up.

"Hey," I tried to say casually, but of course it came out breathless and high pitched because I was out of breath. He turned and gave me a weird look. Since I couldn't tell what it meant I decided to ignore it. "Want to take a walk with me?" I asked.

He nodded wordlessly and we took off onto one of the trails that went slightly into the trees. It was dark but there was enough light from the base to keep us from tripping. "I saw you come back today," I started.

"Hmmm," was all he responded with.

"Black One was hot. You had a lot of action this time." I was trying to tread carefully.

"Yeah."

I could tell now that he hadn't dealt with whatever he had done on this last trip. It was still with him. "You're my best friend," I said quietly. "I want to be there for you like you've done for me." Poe stopped and looked at me with tired haunted eyes. Not saying a word, he put his arms around me. I held him tightly and pushed his head into the crook of my neck, stroking his hair. Poe tightened his hold around me and we stood there for a long time. He never explained and didn't ever break down. But some kind of bridge or thread had been made between us. He was letting me see his emotions from something current in his life, where before he had avoided it at all costs. It was a start.


	12. Chapter 12

_AN: Time to quit messing around, I think. This first part is a point of view change, I just love Rogg and want one of him in my life. It was too short for its own chapter, so I added it to the rest and you get a really long one this time._

* * *

The sky was just beginning to darken, and a cool breeze blew through the open walls of the cantina. Rogg loved this quiet time of day. He was usually alone, and had time to sit and relax before the ruckus of the night drinkers began. He watched the myriad of bugs that came out to play, musing how many species he had witnessed throughout his lifetime of traveling from one planet to another. His fascination was really with the sentient beings he came into contact with, and how their cultures differed from one another—and how they managed to get along. Sometimes. The Resistance had been a good fit for him. He had seen enough in this galaxy to scar a normal person for life, and watched it go through the clutches of one faction to another. He was in one of the darker times now, but it too would pass. It wasn't always easy for him, the politics of the day affected his own emotions just like everyone around him. Sometimes he kept quiet, sometimes he fought. Today he was just helping to keep morale and hope alive in this ragtag bunch. Rubbing the side of his face, he pushed his massive form up. It was time to clean the bar up before it got busy. His task tonight was to get through cleaning the unmatched collection of glassware that had made its way to this little corner of the world. Resistance members were always bringing him a glass or two they had "acquired" from somewhere else. Their generosity of these and other items helped make the base more like home, or something close.

Rogg was in the middle of drying the glasses when he saw his first customer. Poe Dameron, poster boy for the Resistance and currently on Rogg's list of problem children, approached the bar and slid onto a stool at the far end, mostly unnoticeable to anyone who may eventually come into the room. Rogg gave a nod to him in acknowledgement that he'd been seen, so Poe relaxed and waited. He hung his leather jacket on the back of the high chair and settled in.

"Here," Rogg grumbled as he put a steaming mug of some kind of tea in front of Poe.

"How…? Nevermind, she always said you pick the right thing to drink." Poe sniffed it. "No alcohol?"

"You don't need it tonight. Despite what you were planning. You need a clear head to think about things."

"Like what?" Poe asked suspiciously.

"Smiley. You two need to smooth things out. Life for you humans is short, and yours in particular is bound to be shorter than most, considering the risks you take to be the hero."

Poe threw an accusatory glare at him. "What has she been telling you?"

Rogg folded his arms on the bar and leaned in. "Not a lot, don't worry. But I've been doing this job for almost 200 years, learned my most valuable skills from Maz on Takodana. She has a great place there. So, I can read people pretty well. You've actually stumbled across someone who can handle who you are and what you do. That girl is tough and resilient as hell. And for some reason she's decided she wants you. You must have done something to catch her attention, because I've never seen her give a pilot so many second chances."

Poe sipped the hot drink. Rogg straightened his frame and returned to cleaning glasses. As Rogg knew he would, Poe started talking. "Her problem with me is the lack of sex. And I get it," he said shaking his head. "That's on me. It's taken me a long time to decide if we should go beyond being just friends. But I don't want to bang her and leave her. I want to be there the next day. And the day after. That life doesn't work well when one person is gone a lot."

Rogg continued drying silently. He knew when to let them talk.

"My job isn't a temporary choice. It's what I want to do. If she has other ideas, then we shouldn't drag ourselves through a lot of pain."

"After all this time, you two have never talked about the future?" Rogg asked. "Not one single dream or wish?"

Poe gave a halfhearted laugh. "Not really. She mentions what she'll do tomorrow, but never any further. Most people say something about what they want when this is all over. She's still healing from her past."

"You could just ask her."

Shaking his head, Poe went on. "And there's the problem. I'm afraid of her answer." He took a long deep swallow of his drink and fell silent.

Rogg put away the glasses. No one had entered the bar, and it was eerily silent. Poe's sad admission had put them both in a depressed mood.

"Ever been in love?" Rogg asked in a casual tone. When Poe didn't answer, he kept talking. "I have a couple times. One of them gave me the best fifty years of my life. The other, not so much. But I don't regret either one."

Poe downed the remaining liquid. "Well Rogg, I probably don't have fifty years left." He stood to leave. "Thanks. It was good to talk. See ya later."

Rogg watched him leave. He let out a sigh and went back to work. He had done what he could, now it was up to them to figure it out.

* * *

I found him in an office room again, swiping screens through the air as he read them. Ignoring Poe momentarily, I knelt down to greet BB-8. She rushed to my arms, stopping short when my newly repaired mouse droid screeched and blocked her from touching me. BB-8 backed up and beeped angrily at the new droid.

"A2, it's okay! This is our friend BB-8. BB, this is my new pal A2, she's a little protective of me so don't be mad." Both droids backed away from each other, only to immediately begin talking. It was so loud and fast I couldn't pick up a thing they were saying. Suddenly they were silent, and BB-8 rolled out of the room, A2 trailing after her.

I stood stunned, my mouth hanging open. "What was that?" I said slowly. "I programmed her to follow me around, and 3 seconds with BB-8 and she's off without me?"

Poe chuckled. "I do recall you saying something once about her having a mind of her own, you shouldn't be surprised she would override your programming."

I blew out a breath and flapped my hands up into the air in surrender. "So, yeah, I wanted to talk to you. I uh, just wanted to make something clear between us in case you were assuming things." Now that I was about to say it, I felt stupid bringing it up. "I don't expect you to run to me every time you feel bad. I just want you to know you can always come to me if you need something, if it's just a hug or to pull you out of a bad mood. You need to deal with all that bad stuff however works for you. I'm not going to try to drag it out of you or insist you tell me every single feeling you have." I smoothed back the strands of hair that had come loose from the rag I tied my hair up with. "I feel really stupid saying this to you. I feel like you should know me enough that I don't have to say it. But…" I looked away, not able to meet his eyes for a second. "Just in case you think I could be one of those crazy girlies that hang around you."

Poe stared at me blankly for a second before rubbing his thumb into the crease between his eyes. "It never occurred to me you would be anything like them. And I love it that you realize you don't need to say this to me, even though you did anyway." He leaned back in the chair and focused his gaze on me. "I'm glad you found me though. I have a couple favors to ask."

"Fire away, Commander," I said with a glint in my eyes.

He crooked the corner of his mouth up. "Smiley." He paused for the meaning to take effect. Somehow we had unconsciously separated our work attitudes with our personal ones, and starting a conversation with a specific name seemed to be the cue. I straightened my posture in response and concentrated as he went on. "I want you to work on a specific bomber, and I already made sure you were assigned to it. One of my pilots is too nervous to be going out on runs because he doesn't trust his bomber anymore. He's had a lot of mechanical failures with it and has lost his edge. He's a good pilot. I want him back up there but not if he's scared."

"What do you want me to do? Is there anything really wrong with the plane?"

"I doubt it. But if you go over it and leave your Smiley mark, I think that will help him get back in the game. Your approval goes a long way with them, you know."

"Ok, whatever you need. What else?" I was getting tired of standing.

Poe lowered his voice. "Will you come home with me for a few days Kasey?"

I stared blankly at him. "You want me to stay in your room for a few days? That's a little weird Poe. Especially since, you know, you made it kinda clear where we stand on the whole sex issue." I was still trying to deal with my frustration at him for that. Had any other man said those things to me, I would have kicked them out of my life. For some reason, I had developed patience with Poe, and I was willing to wait for him to decide what he wanted.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "No. I want to know if you'll come home to Yavin 4 with me."

We stared at one another silently. I didn't know what to make of it. At all. "Why?" I finally asked quietly.

"There are some problems with land ownership I need to deal with because they can't get a hold of my father. Before the two of us left home, we set it up so that either one could deal with anything that might come up. Or if one of us died, since Dad wasn't too optimistic about my chances of survival in the Resistance."

"But why take me?"

He paused. "I said I would work on it, you know, trusting you to be able to deal with me and how my life rolls. I want you to see… where I came from and where I could go when this is all over. If it will ever be over."

I had stopped breathing. This was more than a little test. I almost hated him for being so smart about the future, thinking beyond our little bubble of time we were living in at the moment. I honestly had no plan for my future. I would never go back home. I had lived day to day for years. And I truly never expected this fight against the First Order would ever be over in my lifetime.

Drawing in a shaky breath, I agreed. "OK. When?"

"Not for a few days, I have to get some things in order beforehand."

"Really? How long will we be gone? I don't know if they'll let me off planet." I hadn't left D'Qar since I was dumped off by the crew of one of the Resistance ships a year ago.

"I already cleared you to leave. General Organa seems to think I need to take a break, and did a bunch of 'oh I seeeee' comments when I mentioned you." Poe closed his eyes tightly in embarrassment. "And she actually smiled while saying it."

This made me grin. "She knows you, Poe. And obviously really cares about you." I walked up to his seated form, leaned over, and placed a quick kiss on his forehead. "I know how she feels, I care about you too." I laid my palm against the side of his face for a long moment and he closed his eyes. I pulled away and smiled. "I have to go find my droid."

I had to leave the room. It was just too overwhelming to watch him react like that to my touch. I wanted to kiss so much more than his forehead, touch more than just the skin on his cheek. Holding myself back was just excruciating. I walked in a daze down halls, through underground tunnels, and eventually found myself in one of the aircraft hangars where we keep the ones we're working on. I figured it was almost time for my shift anyway, so I might as well start early and get my mind off the rough stubble that tickled my palm earlier. That scruffy chin that might drag itself down my neck and… "aarrgh!" I yelled at myself. I had to get my mind off this.

The work order was on top of my desk. There was barely anything on it that would indicate a problem with the bomber. Great.

A2 rolled into my area and bumped the side of my shoe. "Nice to see you again, traitor."

A series of defensive beeps spewed out of her. "Hey," I responded, "you left me." A2 continued her story, telling me about her adventure with BB-8. On and on, she kept talking, and I suddenly realized she was just like my little sister who would chatter on forever. That sweet memory warmed my heart, and I eventually gave in and quit pretending I was mad at her.

It was time to evaluate the bomber. I did my usual walk around, but didn't feel anything except confusion. It was a weird thing to feel from a machine, and I didn't know what to make of it. I pulled its past repair logs and decided to focus on the areas that had been worked on before. I pulled section after section apart, seeing nothing out of the ordinary. Going back to the oldest repair record I had on it, I figured it wouldn't hurt if I went through the motions of repairing that first hit she took in her engines again. And that's when I found it. I was so elated after being so frustrated I let out a whoop. The wires were hooked up backwards and a short down the line had masked it. Easy fix, and it explained the poor pilot's fears. He could tell there was something wrong but nobody could find anything. The guy was lucky he hadn't died in the meantime.

Finished and happy, I was lovingly rubbing my hand over the landing gear of the bomber when I noticed a guy hovering nearby. I turned to face him, because it's creepy to have someone watch me fondle a ship. As I stared pointedly at him, he seemed to get the message and approached.

"Is she fixed?" He asked. When I gave him a suspicious look, he tried to explain. "It's my bomber. Are you Smiley?" After giving him a silent nod, he continued. "You're amazing. Thanks for fixing her. I can't believe how lucky I was to get you."

I patted her hull. "She's all warmed up, want to take a test drive?"

His answer was cut short as Poe popped his form between us. "Hey man, is this your bomber?" Poe asked. I watched the interaction silently, knowing damn well Poe knew who's bomber it was. "Can I take her up for a quick ride? I haven't been in one of these in years."

The pilot stuttered. "Of course Commander. Have fun." He handed Poe his helmet. I watched the commander easily hop into the cockpit. The pilot and I backed up to watch him take off. I knew what he was doing-he was proving to the guy that there was nothing wrong with the ship, and would bet his life on it. I was getting warm fuzzies thinking about how much he cared for his crew, until he started flying. From the moment he took off, he was in hotshot pilot mode. The bomber dipped and rolled, screamed past us at speeds it wasn't designed to hold, and as he pulled it into a loop above our heads I started to feel anger building. This ship wasn't supposed to be doing these tricks. I was confident of my repairs but not when it was pushed beyond its intended performance. Poe did a few more insane moves, then plummeted it toward the ground, pulling up quickly to land. I was so pissed at him, I walked away, but I could still hear their conversation as he got out of the bomber. "Wow, thanks man, that was so much fun."

The pilot gave him a high-five. "Great moves, Commander. I hope I never have to do them!" He said with a smile.

I shut the door to the hangar firmly but quietly as I walked away. Seconds later, I heard Poe open the door. Whipping around to face him, I let loose my anger. "What the hell was that? Those bombers were not built to do those moves, it could have cracked apart with the gravity forces you pushed on her. All so you could show off?"

His cockiness disappeared, replaced by a quiet and dangerous storm in his eyes. "Maybe this should be something you need to consider when you're fixing things then. We fly however we have to so we survive." He moved closer, looking down on me. "Yeah, I was showing off a little. You don't follow the worst pilot into combat, I have to keep up their trust in me. They need to know if I give an order, it's because I know it can be completed. It's necessary."

He continued to stand an inch away from me. I felt deflated and a little ashamed I hadn't thought of his possible reasons. My eyes looked away, not able to hold his gaze. In response, he grabbed my chin, forcing my eyes back at him. "Tell me you understand."

I gave him a long sigh. To be honest, the whole hotshot flying had turned me on. It usually did, which is why I always had such a problem with pilots. I hated their cockiness, but was aroused by their flying. And here I was, feeling a strong pulse between my legs and unable to breathe as I was being reprimanded. "I understand," I breathed. I couldn't help myself at this point—I stared back into his eyes with unapologetic longing. He looked at me for a long silent moment before crushing his lips into mine.

* * *

_Hang in there with me! Fancy flying (among other things, wink wink) to come!_


	13. Chapter 13

_AN: They always say love scenes are hard to write, but never why. Maybe it's different for everyone. Hopefully this is somewhere between a wink with a closing door and TMI. Another warning, the next couple chapters are happy. Just so damn happy. I was in a dark place and needed to remember there are those delirious moments in relationships that are why we take that chance in the first place._

* * *

It should have stunned me, at the very least. This man had such control over so many things in his life, and I knew our relationship was going to go where _HE_ wanted it to and when. But when you're presented with the one thing you've longed for, you don't let a fraction of a second go to waste. I met his kiss with all the fire I had stored up inside me. I clutched the fabric of his flight suit in my fists and whimpered as he pulled my body closer with his hand around the back of my waist. His other hand pulled the rag out of my hair, and as he tangled his fingers through the messy waves he drove his tongue forcefully into my mouth. He smelled like the grease and fuel in the hangar, and his mouth was warm with a little salt on the edge from sweat. The combo melted my mind. He could fuck me right there if he wanted and I'd gleefully let him.

Unfortunately, he pulled away. "Damn it. I'm sorry." He held my shoulders away from him at arms length. His pupils were still dilated, and my lips were a little swollen. I still couldn't speak, and just made a short whimpering noise.

"You're so fiery beautiful when you're mad. I'm trying to keep my head clear for once, but you make it near impossible."

I found my voice a little. "I'm beautiful?"

Poe rolled his eyes and made an exasperated groan. "You're so fucking pretty. And you're not even trying." He pulled a curled section of my hair near my face through his fingers. "You pull this mass of hair back with a rag, and it's the sexiest thing I've ever seen. From the moment I met you all I ever wanted to do was let it loose." He tangled his whole hand into my hair, and I leaned my head towards it, closing my eyes.

With an unhappy groan he pulled away again. He ran one hand through his hair, the other still holding my shoulder keeping us apart. "I swear, I was going to keep my hands off you until we got to Yavin 4. Why couldn't I control myself?" I was about to answer when the door opened and five pilots walked in, thankfully unaware of what they had just interrupted. Poe dropped his hands from me and started talking with them, as if I wasn't in the room. In a way, that was great. I crept away from the group and made my way outside. Finding a secluded corner at the edge of the building, I leaned my back against it and smiled. Poe Dameron wanted me. The most thoughtful, sexy, kind, supportive, kick-ass pilot in the universe wanted me, a scared, damaged, sarcastic, lonely mechanic.

I was still leaning against the building when I heard my name. "Kasey!" My insides tensed with happiness and I made my way towards his voice. When he caught sight of me he looked relieved. "Don't run away, I had no intention of keeping this a secret. I just didn't want those guys to see us in the middle of that."

I reached up and put my hands around his neck. "I know this is a big deal for you. Let's just take it a step at a time. It's not a horrible thing that you didn't follow your plan to wait until Yavin 4. I won't rush you. You can fly as fast or slow as you want."

Poe bent his head and buried his face in my hair, which was still loose. "You are amazing, you know that?"

"I'm just patient. Your feelings are just as important as my own. You know where I want this to go. I'm just waiting for you to catch up."

* * *

We prepared ourselves to leave over the next day. I wasn't bringing much more than a couple changes of clothing, and a little bit of food for the first night. BB-8 and A2 were staying behind. Like sad children they silently watched me throw coveralls and shorts into my small pack. "Guys, stop looking at me like that. We'll be back in a few days. You can stay with Wexley if you want." This didn't seem to make them any happier. BB-8 lowered her head and rolled out of the room with A2 trailing behind.

I slung my pack over my shoulder and went in search of Poe. Eventually I found him packing in his own room. "Yummm," I said from the doorframe I was leaning on. He had a tank shirt on that was possibly the most revealing thing I'd ever seen him wear. The man seemed to live in a flight suit.

Poe pulled me in and shut the door. "Yum, huh?" he said as he pushed me against the wall. His body flattened against mine and his mouth began a slow gentle path from my ear to my chin. I sighed in contentment, and ran my hands down his arms, feeling the taught muscles beneath the skin. I realized where my hand was, and stretched a thumb out to flick his nipple through the shirt. He paused his exploration of my neck and gave a soft groan.

"It's only fair," he said, and pulled himself away just far enough to get his finger between us. He teased my one nipple until it hardened, then flicked it mercilessly as I writhed against the wall.

"That's not fair," I said when he pulled his hand away. In response, he kissed me hard and deep, and my legs stopped supporting me. He pulled his head back. "We are never going to get out of here if we keep this up." Stepping back, he resumed packing.

"Tell me the landing pad and I'll meet you there," I said smiling. He gave me directions and waved me off. I smacked my ass as I opened the door and looked back to see him watching me.

"Go!" He said chuckling. I ran happily to the shuttlecraft bay and began a few prep steps while I waited for Poe. He finally showed up, threw his pack in the rear of the cabin and took the pilot seat.

"Ready?"

I gave Poe a thumbs up and an excited grin. We were lifting off for Yavin 4. He grinned back, and did the pilot thing he often reminded me he could do. Yes, the cute idiot really could fly anything. I felt the initial shudder as we entered lightspeed, then settled into the vibrations that would continue until we reached our destination.

"Permission to walk about the cabin?" I asked.

"Granted," he replied, and swiveled his chair to see behind him into the tiny open area.

I unbuckled myself but didn't get up, choosing to slouch down in my seat. I was quivering with anticipation inside. Finally, I was going to explore someplace new and actually feel safe doing it. "This is so exciting! I can actually relax and enjoy a new place. You have no idea how scared I was when I had to move on to a different planet. It felt like everyone was trying to enslave me or get sex from me or cheat me out of something."

"No one is going to enslave you or cheat you." He gave a quiet smile and left it at that. My stomach did a little flip. I bit my bottom lip, and he sighed and rolled his eyes. "Is that all you can think of?"

I smiled sweetly. Since that kiss, it was as if a dam had been broken. He had finally let go of whatever had been holding him back from being intimate with me. The last twenty-four hours had been filled with stolen kisses behind corners, ass grabbing as we passed each other, and the anticipation of the looming step we were going to finally take.

"Oh, and you're so innocent? Hah." I gave him a long silent stare, and slid my index finger down my chest. His eyes darkened, but he didn't move. I smiled at him. "We're gonna do this," I told him, my eyebrow raised. His hard-on was visible against the fabric of his pants, so I pressed my hand between my legs. And of course, the lightspeed warning bell went off.

"Saved by the bell," he said with a grin and swiveled around to begin the landing procedures.

Our moods changed as soon as we landed. There was a landing pad right next to a large barn, and I saw a house in the distance as I came down the ramp. I waited for him to finish shutting down the shuttlecraft. This was his home and he was the one who should show me around. Poe came trotting down the ramp and grabbed my hand, dragging me toward the house. "Let's see what kind of condition the house is in. There might be some things we have to fix before nightfall."

The house was small but neat. The door stuck a little as we tried to get in, and everything was covered in a thick layer of dust. "Your dad hasn't been here for a while," I observed.

"No." He had a concerned look on his face but didn't say anything more. I opened curtains and windows to get fresh air in. He checked the solar panels and the water supply. "Water pump isn't working for some reason," he reported. "Power came on though."

"I can look at it. I'm good at fixing things," I said teasingly.

He came over and kissed me quickly. "I can fix stuff too, you know. There was a time where I didn't have a Smiley to do everything for me."

I smacked his butt playfully. "Then let's get to it, I'm hungry. I need food."

We spent the next few hours getting the basics working again. There wasn't a reason to completely uncover everything in the house since we weren't going to stay for too long, but the kitchen needed attention.

"How's it look?" Poe's voice was far away and muffled. I had most of my body in the tiny space under the sink, my legs sticking out. I was about to reply when I felt his hand squeeze my ass and slide down the inside of my thigh. My head shot up and hit the bottom of the sink at the sudden intimate touch.

"Do you want water or sex?" I yelled at him. I heard a chuckle and his hand disappeared.

It didn't end up being a simple fix. The water pump was severely corroded, but getting a new one wasn't really an option so I scraped and oiled it until it began moving again. By this time it was dark, and I came back into the house exhausted and dirty. Poe in the meantime had turned domestic and made a meal out of the food we had brought with us. I stripped off my icky coveralls and inhaled the food.

I collapsed on the couch and put my feet up. Poe plopped down next to me, then laid his head on my lap and wrapped his arms around my hips, burying his face in my stomach. I stroked his hair softly, and within minutes he was snoring. I closed my eyes too, and fell into a blissfully uninterrupted sleep.

The smell of coffee made its way into my nose and woke me up. Poe was in front of the couch leaning over me with a steaming mug. "Wake up sunshine," he said somewhat fearfully. I growled in response but took the cup greedily. He left me to finish it by myself, and I could hear him rummaging through drawers. He came back with keys in hand and fruit in the other.

"I have to get to town soon, but I wanted to show you something first." I got up slowly and followed him to the barn we had parked next to the previous day. "Stay right here," he ordered, and put the fruit in my hand. I stood there in the morning light sipping my coffee, wondering what could be so important.

The barn doors parted, and he pushed each side completely aside. Inside was a ship covered with a massive tarp. He paused and looked at it, then pulled off the tarp.

I stopped in mid-sip. It was an A-wing fighter. A really old one. But it looked like it was in fine shape to fly. Who knew what was going on inside it's engine, but the outside was perfect. "Wow," I said in wonderment. He grinned back at me, his excitement obvious.

"It was my mom's," he said. "This is what I learned to fly in."

Now I totally understood. "This is so cool, Poe." I walked slowly around the ship, reaching out every once in a while to rub a spot that called to me. "She's got some things inside that need attention," I said. "Can I work on her while you're in town?"

"I hoped you would say that," he said. "We aren't here for very long, but I wanted to take her up."

I walked up to him and kissed his grizzled cheek. "I will do what I can," I promised him.

"Can you take a shower too?" He asked, grabbing me by the waist and pulling me to him. "You kinda stink."

"I wonder why?" I responded sarcastically. "Nasty water sludge is so fragrant, I might bottle it up and sell it on the streets." I wasn't offended, I could clearly still smell the sludge over the coffee. He however, smelled wonderful and had cleaned himself up before I even woke.

"Funny," he said, and kissed me. "I've got to get going. I don't know when I'll be back exactly, but I'll get some more food while I'm out."

I watched him leave on an old hovercraft. A shower sounded wonderful, and I headed back to the house.

* * *

"Come on baby, you can fit it in there, just a little more," I grunted at the starship.

"That's what she said," I heard below me.

"Ha-ha," I sang back. Feeling the part click into place, I made my way back down to the ground. "Problems today?" I asked.

"Yeah. Gotta wait till tomorrow when the right people will be there to do the paperwork." Poe rubbed his eyes. "How's she doing? Did you have to repair anything?"

"A few things. I wouldn't fly her yet though. There have been little animals inside, and I want to check all the wires. Probably another 2-3 hours of work, then we can test her out." I patted the nose and stroked my hand across the side. "Beautiful girl though. I'm glad I got to touch one."

"She's very special to me, that's for sure," he said wistfully. "Do you need any help?"

"I could use a little, if you think you're strong enough."

He snorted. "Are you implying I'm not in shape?"

I rolled my eyes. "I _meant _that you'd have to lift and hold my heavy ass up in the air. I can't reach a sensor on the tail with the ladder because it's in an awkward place, and I want to make sure it's not frozen."

We walked to the rear of the aircraft. "How do you want to do this then?" he asked.

"Well," I pondered as I looked up. "Let's try the usual leg up and see if I can balance." Poe bent down with his hands threaded together, and I stepped in. With one hand on his shoulder and the other on the plane, I tried to hold myself upright as he stood. He grunted as my hip hit him in the face. "Sorry," I said as I swayed uncontrollably. My hand went from his shoulder to the top of his head, and I ended up falling against the engines. "This isn't working," I said through gritted teeth. "Put me down, I have another idea." I turned to face him and slid my body down his chest as he released my foot. My breath caught as I hit the ground and I felt his chest muscles against my palms. I immediately backed away but held eye contact. He stared back. He had felt my hands too.

Not sure what to do about the sudden flutter in my stomach, I returned to the work at hand. "Can you stand with me sitting on your shoulders?"

Poe didn't reply, but crouched down on one knee. I climbed onto his shoulders, realizing suddenly where his head was going to be. He stood slowly, and I was at the perfect height to mess with the little sensor. I was so pleased I forgot about any awkwardness I had felt a moment before, and began happily messing with the part. I had no sense of time until I felt Poe start to sway.

"Oh shit, am I too heavy? Do you need me to get down?" I instantly was feeling guilty.

"No," came the strained reply. "I'm just distracted. Finish what you're doing."

"Tell me what you're thinking about, maybe that will help. I don't need to concentrate too hard here," I suggested.

Poe let out a breathy laugh. "I'm thinking about how you're grinding yourself against my head and that I've got my hands around your bare legs. I've gotten hard enough that i need to adjust myself but I can't let go of you. It's uncomfortable."

This made me smile. "Good. Now you know how I feel every second you're around me." I gave a soft wiggle against his head and continued with the sensor check. A few short minutes later I was done. "Ok, you can put me down now."

Poe slowly knelt back down and I slid myself over the back of his head as he bent forward. Suddenly he stood behind me and pulled my ass against him to press his hard-on into my back. I pressed my hips toward him and leaned back against his chest. His hands came around, one on my abdomen to hold me still as he ground himself harder against me. His lips grazed the tattoo on my neck, the heat from his breath sending tingles over my skin. "I don't want to wait any longer. You okay with that?" I was shaking so hard inside I couldn't speak. I groaned in answer and reached behind me to close my hand around his erection as much as I could through his pants. He breathed heavily in response, and firmly slid his hand under my shirt. He stroked and teased until I threw my head back against his shoulder as the orgasm hit. He held me tight against him until I finished, then gently grabbed my waist.

Spinning me around, his lips found mine. It was a hungry, demanding kiss that took my breath away. He had flipped a switch that went from quiet arousal to violent passion. His hands reached for the buttons on my shorts, and he started tugging ineffectively. "I got it," I breathed against his lips. I quickly dropped my shorts to the ground, just in time for him to push me onto the pile of tarps. His one hand slipped under me and angled my hips, while his other braced himself over me. His erection was pressing gently through the soft, sensitive skin, not pushing in but definitely knocking at the door. He paused and looked at me, waiting for my permission. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him in.

I let out a cry as I felt myself stretched apart. It had been so damn long since I'd had someone. Poe looked down on me with glazed eyes, and kissed my forehead. Then he took control, his stubble scratching my skin as he buried his face in my neck. It didn't take much to make me fly apart again. When I opened my eyes, I saw the crease of concentration between his eyebrows. My heart went out to him. "Go ahead, finish," I said as I stroked my thumb across his cheek. He hesitated, then roughly slammed into me, and I watched his face as he let out a tortured growl.

As soon as his vision cleared he had my head in both his hands. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that so fast." He looked so worried, I almost laughed. Poe leaned down and kissed me hard. "I just wanted that first time to be a little better." He paused and got a fearful look. "I meant to use something, I brought stuff… I should have stopped." He hung his head. "Shit, how did I completely lose control? I let myself have one kiss and my mind disappeared."

"Poe, honey, it's okay. I'm on the shots, there won't be any babies from this." I stroked his cheek. He was right, we should have at least had a one or two word discussion before this. I hadn't thought to say anything because I knew I was covered. It never occurred to me he would worry about it. "I should have told you. I'm sorry."

Visibly relieved, he stood up and zipped his cargo pants back up. They hadn't really even gotten very far down, evidence of how fast the sex had been. "Come on, I'm going to make this up to you."

Hours later back at the house, he accomplished just that.

"I'm dead," I declared. "I can't move. I think you permanently smashed me into this mattress."

Poe pulled out and rolled off me. He laid on his back breathing heavily. "I love you."

I reached over and took his hand. "I love you too." Deciding that wasn't enough after what we had just done, I snuggled up to him and threw a leg possessively over his.


	14. Chapter 14

It was morning. I knew this because of the ache in all of my muscles. The sun was streaming through the curtains and the soft light touched the skin of the naked body next to me. I gazed at the beautiful sight, memorizing all his scars, muscles, the curve of his lips, and the peaceful look on his face as he slept. He rarely was missing the crease between his eyes, and he looked so much younger now without it. Not able to resist breaking the spell, I began touching him, dragging my fingertips down the inside of the arm he had thrown over above his head. When he didn't move, I continued down his side to caress the angles of his hip and down his thigh. He cleared his throat and I looked up to his questioning eyes. "Oops," I said with fake innocence.

"Oops indeed," he replied, and rolled over top me.

* * *

I groaned with intense pleasure as I sipped my first cup of coffee. Poe slapped my bare ass as he scooted past me to the cupboard for food. I'd never been groped this much before in my life, it was as if he couldn't walk by me without touching some part of my body. And that was absolutely wonderful.

"Poe… I need to ask you something," I said as I set my mostly empty cup down. He came to stand in front of me as I leaned back on the counter, his hands stroking my hips. He waited expectantly, not saying a word. "Why did you really bring me here? You could have done this land stuff without me."

He kept rubbing my hips as he answered. "I told you I wanted to show you where I came from. I wanted to share with you a big part of who I am."

"But you also said this is where you want to go when it's all over. I'm confused by that." I paused to form my next sentence, it was tough to say and a little scary because I wasn't sure what would come next. I placed a hand on his chest. "I didn't ever expect you to want to live your life in a place like this. It's very family-oriented, a place to put down roots, somewhere you would go to live and never leave. I don't know if I'm saying this right but I thought you were a military pilot for life. You were in this before the Resistance. A home life like this doesn't fit with those plans."

His face was calm but his hands gripped me firmly. "I wanted to see what you wanted. You haven't had a stable home since your family died. I thought this was a good way to remind you how nice this kind of life can be."

I could feel his body tense as he went on. "I need to know what you want. You never talk about that. Do you want a family? Children? A home of your own?"

I breathed out long and hard. "You know I don't like to think about that stuff." He continued to watch me struggle with my response, not showing any reaction except the pressure of his fingertips into my skin. "But you want an answer. The truth is I really don't have dreams, but I know what I don't want." I focused on his eyes as I spoke. "I don't want kids. I always thought I could be the cool Aunt Kasey, the one who would come home every once in a while and tell them adventure stories. But that isn't going to happen anymore. Ayla is dead. I'm just Kasey now." I said that last part with barely concealed bitterness in my voice. "If you truly wanted me to stay here alone and raise your babies while you went off for months at a time, well, that isn't what I want. But I never felt you wanted that, so I've never been worried. Was I wrong?"

Poe took one hand and moved a tendril of hair out of my eyes. "No. You have always seemed to know me, which has been weird. It worried me that I was just taking for granted that we were on the same path. I don't want to do it alone, and I was really hoping you would be the one who would be able to stay with me." He pulled my face in and kissed me. "I love you Kasey."

Relief flooded me. I surrendered to the happiness that ran through me and dived into the kiss. It felt different, like we had silently agreed on something. "I will always love you Poe Dameron," I said as we pulled apart.

He smiled at me. "You help me hang on to the real me. I think I'd lose everything good inside me to this war if I didn't have you to come back to." We held each other then, the silence of the house magnifying the seriousness of what we seemed to have decided.

"How about this," he suggested, sweeping a lock of my hair out of my eye. "I'll finish up my business in town, and you finish up the A-wing?"

"Sounds good to me," I answered. "We can't stay naked all day, no matter how good that sounds. We do much more and I'm gonna be sore. Everywhere."

He made a sympathetic sound and his hand started sliding south. I laughingly swatted his hand and pushed him away. "Go to town!"

* * *

RZ-1 A-wings were like lightning. I really wanted to see this one fly. Poe was still in town, doing whatever it was we were here for. I wouldn't fly it without him here, but I needed to test the engines. I climbed in and sat still for a moment. This was where Poe had learned with his mother how to fly. This exact seat. Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine what it would be like to have a child with me here and letting him hold the controls. It seemed insane. These ships could outrun TIE fighters, they were so fast. And yet he had learned and become a legendary pilot.

I fired up the engines. Everything was actually working the way it should. These ships were fast but they had a history of breaking down a lot. I was pretty sure this one would be okay for quite a while. I shut everything down. Now all I could do was wait for Poe.

It was mid-afternoon when he returned. "Yay you brought food!" I was starving.

"I can't believe how much you eat," he commented.

"I'm a growing girl," I said with a grin and mouthful of sandwich. "A-wing is all fixed. Will you test it out for me?"

He nodded. We finished eating and he inspected my work. The playful boy was gone, replaced by the serious pilot. I watched him pause before he lit the engines. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. It was an emotional moment, for sure.

He took off cautiously, but sped up as it responded to his controls. I watched him take it through basic maneuvers, then he began playing. The loops, the barrel rolls, he did it all. It took my breath away to watch. It hit me then—I was in love with the best pilot in the Resistance, and he was in love with me.

After about a half hour he landed. As he got out, he gave me a questioning look. "I want to see how well you fly," he said.

The thought of flying again made me shiver inside. "In this?"

"Maybe," he answered. "Let me see how you handle the shuttle first. It's not that I don't believe you," he explained. "But I want to see how you do things."

I nodded. We got into the shuttle, and I started it up. This was a fairly easy ship to fly, it didn't do much. I lifted us off the ground and did a hard bank around the edge of the field. I performed the other basic maneuvers it could do without incident. I was actually pretty surprised at myself, since I hadn't flown in years.

"Ok, set her down. We'll try the A-wing now." Poe was still in very serious pilot mode.

I switched ships. The A-wing was a one-seater so Poe was going to just communicate with me over the radio. Before taking off, I sat silent and still. I wanted to be calm and be able to concentrate on the controls. I had never flown something this powerful or maneuverable.

"Are you ready?" I heard in my ear.

"Clear the ground, I'm taking off," I responded. As I headed for the pattern we had decided upon ahead of time, I accelerated and let out a loud "whoo-hooo!" The path wasn't as easy as it seemed when we had discussed it on the ground. The controls were so ridiculously sensitive that when I just thought about shifting my finger on the stick, it moved. But this was a challenge I wanted to accept. Over and over, I did the pattern until I was able to bank the corners at high speed and not wiggle on the straightaways.

"Ok hotshot babe, you can have some fun. Do some barrels."

I pulled back on the stick and got to a decently high altitude. Then I went for it. The sky twisted around me and the ground filled my view for a few seconds before returning to blue. It was beautiful and I did it again and again. Without asking, I went into a loop and the gravity forces pinned me into the seat. I did another barrel roll, and could suddenly hear Ayla giggling in my head. The memory sobered me, and I went in to land. Maybe she would always be with me when I was up in the sky.

As I got out of the A-wing, Poe approached. "That was good. Too bad you're such a good mechanic, with some practice you could be out there with us." Suddenly he realized what he had suggested. "And there's no way I'm letting you, so don't get any ideas."

"I'm into healing, not hurting," I said. "Don't worry. I wouldn't follow you out there unless I absolutely had to. But it's good to know." I had no aspirations of being a fighter pilot. Killing wasn't on my list of things I had hoped to do for the Resistance.

He pulled me close and kissed me. I snuggled into him and moved my head into the crook of his neck. It would be so nice to just stay right in this position for a while. He smelled so good, and was holding me tight enough that I barely had to use my muscles to stand.

"I think we're done for the day," he murmured into my shoulder. He picked me up and swung me around until I started screeching at him, which of course ended in the worst kind of girlie giggle. I should be ashamed… but I couldn't find it in me. We headed back to the house.

I was so caught up in my own euphoria, I didn't see him. Poe did. I was still bouncing at the end of his hand when he stopped dead on the path and stared at the house.

The man practically hid the doorway he was so large. He was older, dressed simply in a tight T-shirt and cargo pants. He said nothing as we got closer, and I could feel the tension rolling off Poe.

"Poe."

"Dad."

I watched with wide eyes. I wasn't sure if I should keep quiet. I also wasn't sure they wouldn't hit each other, the air was so thick around us. But his father spoke finally.

"Is this the one?" He asked gruffly.

Poe stood up straight. "Yes."

"Does she know what you're all about?"

Through gritted teeth, Poe answered. "Yes."

His father turned and started walking in the house, muttering under his breath,"then maybe she'll be luckier than me."

Poe exhaled noisily. "This is Kasey, Dad."

When his dad kept walking, and I felt Poe actually getting angry, I put my hand on his arm. Giving him a look to stay quiet, I followed the other man inside. He seemed to know I followed him, because he started talking again.

"You into kids?"

"No," I answered nonchalantly, and pushed past him gently to open the fridge. I pulled out 3 ales, flipping them through the air to both men. Rogg would have been proud.

"You like this place? He show you around?"

"Yeah, it's a nice place. It could work as a home base to have somewhere we could always crash when we needed to." I knew where he was going with his line of questioning. Just from hearing the stories of Shara Bey's life gave me a pretty good idea what their marital problems were. Kes had wanted a family and a home, Shara couldn't leave the military life behind. And I knew I wouldn't let Poe and I repeat that mistake.

Kes looked up at Poe, who was guardedly sitting on the arm of the couch drinking his ale. Probably to keep himself from saying anything. "You show her everything?"

"No." Poe didn't elaborate, which made me curious, but I'd save that for later when we were alone.

"I know what you did," Kes said to Poe. When Poe didn't respond, Kes went on. "It's a good idea. Glad it's her." Poe seemed to calm down at this, and I was starting to go nuts with curiosity. They were talking as if I wasn't in the room about things I had no clue. And then they quit talking. As if the one word responses could be considered conversation. Finally, I couldn't take the silence anymore. I chugged my ale like a pro and set it down loudly in the counter.

"What? You can't say all that in front of me and not explain," I yelled.

"I'm not the one keeping secrets," Kes said defensively. "Don't be lookin' at me."

My eyes went to Poe, who was looking down at the floor. I cleared my throat loudly, waiting for him to answer.

"I just didn't get around to those things yet," Poe said quietly. "I would have told you before we left."

Normally I wouldn't have said it, but it came out of frustration. "Men!" I threw up my hands. "Just tell me!"

Poe sighed. "I started the process to make you our beneficiary. If something happens to both of us, you get this land."

This stunned me. "When did you do this?"

Poe didn't answer.

"It was a while ago," Kes volunteered. He looked pretty pleased he wasn't the one in trouble.

"Poe?" I asked again, but softer.

"Right after you felt the… scratch on my back." He said it so quietly I barely heard the last part. But I could see how much it bothered him to bring it up again. I wanted to forget that incident too, but apparently it had facilitated our relationship in ways I hadn't realized. I walked over and stood in front of him. As I took his one hand that wasn't holding the ale, I touched my forehead to his.

"Thank you. That means a lot to me that you cared so much back then, even if you didn't show it."

Poe angled his head up to look at me, his eyes still full of guilt. I couldn't stand for him to feel that way, so I kissed him gently on the lips. "I love you."

Kes cleared his throat loudly. Apparently he was uncomfortable watching us. "Go show her. Now."

Poe took my hand, and without looking at his father he led me out the door.

We walked a short way into the woods, completely opposite of where the barn was. I hadn't been to this side of the property yet. Poe stopped. "See this tree?" I nodded. "This is what you would inherit that is so important. I can't stress this enough—this is a secret and you have to protect it."

I gave him a confused look. I wasn't understanding this.

"This is a Force sensitive tree from the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. My mother brought it here with Luke Skywalker."

Holy shit. I looked at the tree again. It looked normal. Like any other tree.

"Touch it. You should be able to feel something better than me. At least I think so, since you can sense stuff from wounds."

I reached out with both my hands on the trunk. Instantly I felt the lifeblood of the tree moving within it. It warmed my hands, and invited me closer. I forgot about Poe, and stepped up to the tree and gave it a full bodied hug. The light behind my eyelids was blinding. And I felt how big the universe was. It was the most amazing feeling and I didn't want to let go.

I don't know how long I stood there. Poe was still in the woods standing a short distance away. "I was afraid to touch you," he said as he walked toward me. "You were glowing."

My eyes widened. "Really? I glowed? How cool!"

He smiled and took my hand. "Now you know why it's important to protect this place."

When we returned to the house, Kes had made dinner for us all. We sat on the outside porch afterwards drinking beer, but not saying a whole lot. I tried to get a little conversation out of Kes, and even volunteered a little background on myself since I felt he should know something about who would inherit all his possessions. But it was still a mostly one-sided conversation.

Kes rose from his chair. "I'm tired. Goodnight. Try not to make noise."

I watched him through the screen until I saw him close his own bedroom door. "Does he think we're going to invite a bunch of people over for a party?"

"No," Poe murmured. "He means he doesn't want to hear us having sex."

I looked at him, horrified and embarrassed. Poe watched my uncomfortable reaction for a moment, then took pity. "He's a very down to earth person. He knows what we're going to do and was trying to make a joke."

I put my hand on my face. "Great."

Poe took my other hand and led me into our room. Contrary to the rough and passionate sex we'd had earlier, our touches were gentle and slow this time. Exploring each other's body took time, which was a luxury we wouldn't necessarily have back on the base. I watched him a little fearfully as he kissed his way along my burn-scarred calf. He wasn't repulsed-and took the time to find the sensitive spots I could still feel on it. We were silent even as he slid into me, my breath making the only sound as it was pushed out of my lungs. I touched his hair softly as he tensed and clutched my body with his orgasm. It was amazing this man who was always so in-control of everything would surrender himself to me and show such raw emotion. He raised his head from the pillow he had muffled his final groans into and looked at me with such love in his eyes. I would do anything for him, I realized. He had that effect on his squadrons, and now I knew how it felt. We would all follow him wherever he would lead us. Because we trusted him.

* * *

Late the next day Poe found me outside by myself. I was lying beneath the Force tree with my eyes closed. I felt him quietly position himself on the grass too, the tops of our heads touching. We both remained silent for a long time. When a bird fluttered low over our bodies, the spell seemed to be broken.

"What do you feel when you lay here?" He asked softly.

"I feel everything. The dirt, the air, the stars. The animals above and below the surface. Their pain." I pushed myself up onto an elbow to see him better. "As soon as I walk away it disappears. But it is so amazing I want to feel it as much as I can before we leave."

Poe stayed flat on the ground. "I don't feel anything. I knew this tree was special but I didn't really understand why. Watching you glow has made me realize I didn't appreciate it as much as I should have." He reached up with a hand and twirled a strand of my hair that dangled down. "This is a hard life we've chosen. I saw what it did to my parents. They loved each other so intensely but there were fights." He paused.

"Remember, we both wanted this vagabond kind of life. We won't have their problems. We'll have our own," I said brightly and sarcastically. I leaned over and kissed him upside down. "I have a question. Was the land stuff you had to do here all about making me your beneficiary?"

"Yeah. When I couldn't find Dad I had to come and do the paperwork in person."

I looked down at him more seriously. "What would you have done if our conversation yesterday had gone differently? I could have told you I wanted you to quit flying and stay home with me."

He gave me a small smile. "I knew you would never ask something that extreme. But no matter how it turned out, you are the most important person in my life and I trusted you would be the best person to leave all this to take care of."

I put my forehead on his shoulder. "I have nothing to leave you. A2, I guess. My smiley t-shirts. A really good set of lock picks."

"What?" he asked sharply.

"Hey, I've had a life before you, ya know. Sometimes you've gotta help someone who got tied to a bedpost." I grinned, and he squeezed his eyes shut.

"We need to get back," Poe said with a sigh. I knew what he meant. It was time to say goodbye to his dad and head back to D'qar. His face lightened. "And I expect the whole bedpost story on the way home."


	15. Chapter 15

_AN: We have reached The Force Awakens part. I'm assuming you all know what's going on here so I've omitted some of those details (Jakku, Takodana, Starkiller base). Smiley didn't get to see those planets, and this is her POV... _

* * *

"Baby I'm leaving!" I heard from across the hangar bay. I looked up to see Poe jogging toward me.

That was a pretty good summary of the next chapter of my life. There was a lot of coming and going, learning not to overly worry, and creating our own idea of a life together. I moved into his room and gave up my bunk. No sacrifice there. Everything I owned in the universe fit into a duffel bag. Poe started scheduling a flying lesson for me almost every day, which quickly became something I looked forward to. Even though he claimed he would never make me fight, he taught me offensive maneuvers, with the comment of "you never know what could save your life someday." I made friends with his squadron, and lost a lot of credits to them over the card games they insisted I learn. In the midst of a rebellion I had found a life I was content with.

Poe seemed to change too. His attitude was lighter, smiles came more frequently and with greater intensity. I caught sight of him once dancing with General Organa. Apparently, she had been humming some old song and he just pulled her up and began waltzing her around. It was one of the sweetest things I'd seen him do. Despite her status and always being our stoic leader, you could see how much she adored him in that moment. He knew he drove her nuts a lot, and I think these little things were his way of apologizing without actually saying he was sorry for driving her crazy.

I tossed the wrench I had in my hand to the toolbox and quickly walked to meet him. As I jumped into his arms he kissed me firmly and spun us around in circles until I squealed. He set me down and held my face in his hands like he had begun to do when he was about to give me a serious kiss. I closed my eyes and melted into the kiss. I could feel him smile at the end of it, and he pulled away. Smacking my bottom, he sucked his bottom lip in, and gave me a hungry look.

"You can have it when you get back horny flyboy," I said with a stupid smile on my face. He turned around and walked to a blue X-wing. I watched him take off, and Jorge popped up beside me.

"You two are disgusting," he said with a smile.

"Jorge, he puts a light inside me that is so bright I don't know how this entire bay isn't illuminated with it," I replied as I closed my eyes and savored the memory of that last kiss.

"I kinda miss the cranky sarcastic Smiley." He backed up. "Disgusting!" he said in a sing-songy voice as he walked away. With a deep breath I turned around and went back to work.

Days later…

"Smiley!" I heard my boss yell over the noise of the grinder I was using to smooth out a part. I didn't respond, I was literally seconds from finishing it. The grinder suddenly shut off, and my boss was standing next to me.

"Smiley." I froze. I could tell from that tone of voice— it was firm and loaded with pity and I knew what was coming. Looking up at him through my safety goggles I could see the figure of General Organa behind him. Slowly, I slipped the glasses off my head and looked past him at the woman I hardly knew, even though Poe spent a lot of time with her. My vision got fuzzy and their voices were quiet and far away. But I could still hear them.

"I'm sorry," she began. "Poe is missing. I can't tell you specifics, but we should have heard or seen him days ago. We know there was an incident, and we know his ship was destroyed, but that's all." She paused to see if I was still listening. I was still just staring at her. "Most of the time that's as much information as we'll ever get. I'm sorry. He meant a lot to me too. I don't normally deliver this news, but he was very special, and he told me how much you meant to him."

I felt nothing. I was a spectator to it all, watching it unfold as if it were playing on a screen in a dark room. There was a bit of a hum, but I could still make out their voices. My boss yelled out to the shop, and I heard a voice say "Aw, shit, no," after a quick exchange of words between them. I continued watching as Jorge came in and took my hand. He pulled me out of the workshop and led me to the back door of the cantina. Rogg came out, and I heard him talking to Jorge. "It was going to happen eventually," he told Jorge with a heavy voice. "She's gone inside herself, probably shock. I'll be right back, I've got something that will bring her out of it." Minutes later he returned and made me drink a large cup of green liquid. The two of them stood back and watched me, Rogg with arms crossed, Jorge with a bucket in his hand. I felt the cold bench under my butt, began to smell the earthy scent of the garden I worked on for Rogg. The cold air penetrated me to the bone, and I started to shake. I started heaving, and Jorge was there with his bucket. The hum in my head disappeared and the world sharpened. I wish it hadn't.

I woke up the next day curled in our bed. It was still "our" bed. It was never going to be just mine. And I wasn't going to leave it. A couple of days passed, and the only person I saw was Jorge, who brought me food that I barely ate. Finally, one day I got dressed. The next day I showered. And the next day I went to the bar.

"Welcome back," Rogg greeted me with a growl. That was so familiar and comforting. I needed the old grumpy attitude. He set my ale in front of me. And I drank. I poured it down my throat, feeling the icy cold liquid coat my raw nerve endings. I set the half empty bottle on the bar counter. Rogg swept it away. I thanked him, and went back home. Home, it seemed, was what I called Poe's room. I wondered how long I would get to keep it before they put me back in the barracks. Well. One day at a time was how I had lived before. I knew how to do that.

Rogg's garden never looked so good. After that third day I managed to not sleep the whole day away. I weeded and pruned every plant in the garden. It was the only thing I could manage to do. They wanted me back at work, I knew. And maybe tomorrow, maybe I could. But today I would smell the mint, and pick the tea leaves. There had to be something in this life I could enjoy. Not as much as the touch of Poe's fingers on my cheek, nothing would compare to that.

I was twirling a mint sprig between my fingers when a pair of boots crouched beside me. I looked over to see a dirty, dried blood covered face. I cried out in anguish, and threw myself at Poe. Huge, whopping sobs consumed me as I clutched his shirt in my fists. I couldn't stop, and he began rocking me in his arms. I didn't see the small group of people who peeked around the corner of the building to watch. I didn't see Rogg wipe his eyes before heading back inside. I only felt the love of my life in my arms, and he was warm and alive.

It took a long time, but I finally retreated from my hysterics and looked at him. There was a cut on his cheek bone, and I reached to touch it. He quickly grabbed my hand. "No. Don't. They… they tortured me for information. I don't want you to feel that." I looked at him in horror. Tortured? What the hell had he been through?

"I need to tell you something. Hang on to me," he said as he started kissing my forehead. "I lost BB-8, but they just found her on Takodana. I need to go get her and there are bad guys in the way. But it should be easy."

I started to protest, but he stopped me. "I need this baby, I need to get them back for what they did to me. You said I could deal with my demons however I had to. There is so much anger inside me. They hurt me in ways I can't explain. This mission will take the edge off."

Still hanging on tight to him, I nodded. "Go get our little girl," I told him.

* * *

As promised, Poe brought back our little girl. I'd seen him briefly when he landed, but he'd had to run off to see General Organa, and I was suddenly tasked with work that needed to be done ASAP. The whole base was in an uproar, ships needing attention, and we were readying ourselves for another attack. Hours later, amidst all the preparations, Poe managed to find me hidden up in a bomber.

"Smiley! Come down for a second, I want you to meet someone," Poe's voice called to me from below.

I climbed down the ladder carefully. I was done anyway with this ship. As I jumped down the last few rungs, I landed facing a stranger. Poe's arms encircled me from behind. "This is Finn," he said excitedly.

"Hi Finn," I said as I extended my hand to him. He took it hesitantly. "I'm Smiley."

"Hey," was all he said.

Poe squeezed me tightly. "Finn saved me from the bad guys."

Ahh. Now I understood Poe's excitement. And I knew how special this new man was. "Thank you Finn."

Finn ducked his head in embarrassment. "I needed a pilot," he mumbled, and Poe laughed, apparently an inside joke between them.

"We have to go, but I want to talk to you later," Poe murmured in my ear before kissing my cheek. They walked off together like best friends, joking and pushing each other.

It was much later in the day when I was able to pull myself away from work. We had done what we could to prepare for a new attack, but now we were in a holding pattern until Wexley returned with his reconnaissance. I walked in to our room and heard the water in the shower. I peeked around the corner of the metal walls of the stall to see Poe standing under the spray. And two fairly large dents in the metal of the sidewall. His face was tight and his breathing shaky. He had gotten his hair washed and the blood off his face, but apparently had stopped there because I could literally see where the dirt, sand, and sweat still clung to his skin. My heart hurt to look at him, he seemed to be in such mental anguish. I quickly stripped and stepped into the shower with him. He opened his eyes and tried to wave me away, making a dismissive grunt.

"I'm not here for sex," I told him in a voice you would use on a scared wild animal. "You're obviously not dealing with this as well as you usually do. Let me help just a little bit by getting you cleaned up." He closed his eyes and let the water pour over his face.

I reached in the corner and grabbed a clean rag, generously soaped it up, and began scrubbing. Starting where he left off, I continued to make clean spots on his skin as I made my way down from his neck. I had to continually rinse the rag out, it was taking so much grime off him.

"Turn around, let me do your back," I ordered. He obeyed and braced his hands on the wall in front of him as the water ran down the tense muscles of his back. I threw the dirty rag onto the floor and grabbed a new one. I tried to massage the tension as I worked my way down, and he began talking. I slowed and took my time, wanting him to get it out.

"I can't deal with this," Poe started. "He… looked in my mind. He saw everything. I couldn't stop him, he completely controlled me. Even after he got me to tell him about BB-8, he didn't quit." Poe's voice became rough with emotion. "He saw all the awful stuff I've done, the stuff I told you that made me a bad person. He got off on it. He loved it. And he made me feel… " Poe stopped, his words choking him. "I started to get off on it too. It began to feel like those things were what I needed to do. I started to crave the killings, the lies. It felt good." He broke down then, his hands turning to fists on the wall and his frame shaking. I felt tears streaming down my own face.

"Do you crave it now?" I asked gently.

"No! As soon as he stopped I didn't want it. But it hurt so bad…" His breathing started to quicken. "The pain… is indescribable. It's mostly in your head… I remember screaming."

I began making firm circles on his lower back muscles, digging my thumbs in hard. "I'm going to tell you something you should already know. You shouldn't feel guilty about any of that, because he forced those feelings on you. He raped your mind. You know the difference between right and wrong, Poe. You still do. He didn't make you into a horrible person with no morals. You were able to see what he was though. Feeling good from watching someone die, if that's what he got off on, then you know in your heart you're not like him. You may have done those things, but you didn't crave them later and want more of them. You're still you." I kissed his spine. "Remember I love you. All of you, and I understand there are some things you keep from me. But I can handle more than you think. You can trust me. Tell me everything or nothing. We'll still have each other and the end of it all." Taking a breath, I continued. "And I'll kill him myself if I ever have the chance." I finished scrubbing him in silence. By the time I reached his feet his breathing was at least calm, even if his body was still tense.

He was quiet as I made him lie down. We had some time, and I was determined he get some rest. My body curled around his back and I hummed an old song. He had been through a lot, and no one would realize the toll it took on him except me. This mind rape was going to hurt him for some time to come, especially someone who was used to being in such control of everything. It tore my insides apart that someone had shattered him like that. A wave of relief washed over me as I realized his breathing had turned rhythmic, and I knew he had finally fallen asleep. I wasn't sure how to help him. Or if I even could.


	16. Chapter 16

_AN: They are just about to leave to destroy Starkiller Base (The Force Awakens). _

* * *

Wexley finally returned with his intel. Poe left for the big meeting, and since I had nothing else to do, I wandered back to work. A-2, as usual, had left my sight the moment BB-8 was anywhere near, so it was a little lonely. I was working through a pot of coffee to keep me going when Poe finally came back to find me.

"This is a big one," he told me. Taking my face in his hands he kissed me. I knew what he meant. I was scared for him, but this is what we did.

"Nobody is really saying it out loud yet, but we are probably going to have to give up D'qar as a home base. I want you to start preparing for that while I'm gone." He stroked my arms and watched my face as he said it.

"Got it," I responded. I held him tight and focused on how his body felt in my arms, the way he smelled, and the sound of his breathing in my ear. "I love you, you know that."

"I love you too. I gotta go. Now." I heard the rush of people headed to their x-wings. I let go and stepped back. He turned and quickly made his way out to Black One, BB-8 rolling in to accompany him.

I watched all of them leave, then headed for the cantina, A-2 trailing behind me finally. I was glad she had a friend in BB-8, but she was my link to the family of my past and I missed her presence. I found Rogg standing outside, also apparently watching the ships take off. "Rogg," I began, "I think things are going to get a bit worse."

"I know," he replied. "I'm leaving too."

I was there to tell him to leave, but hearing those words from him still made my stomach drop. "Will I ever see you again?" I asked.

Rogg looked down at me. "Who knows, little lady. We seem to like the same establishments, but it's a big universe. I'm going to head back to Takodana and see what I can help with there, if there is even anything left. After that, I'll just see where the Force leads me." He pulled me into a big hug. "I will remember you Smiley. Take care of yourself."

He released me and headed back inside.

After a moment's hesitation, I ran inside too, dodging Rogg's form on my way behind the bar. Finding a small box, I filled it with a few empty cups and scurried past Rogg again. This time I headed for our garden. As quickly as I could, I dug into the dirt with a spoon and filled the cups with various small plants, apologizing out loud to the other plants that I was leaving them behind. I hefted the now fairly heavy box of dirt and plants, and went to find Rogg.

"Here," I said. "These are the really rare ones that are difficult to get a hold of. Just remember to water them every once in a while."

Rogg smiled. "I'll try to take good care of them. And it will remind me of you." He took the box from me and went back to packing.

* * *

Poe was right. We were evacuating D'qar. They returned somewhat victorious from Starkiller Base, but the First Order knew where we were. His friend Finn had been hurt during the battle, and Poe was splitting what little time he had between his duties, me, and checking on Finn. I'd already packed up what was in our room and left it all by the doorway for when we received word on which transport we could stow it. That left my workshop to deal with. Luckily, I hadn't packed much away because all the ships that returned from Starkiller base needed attention. We were all "on duty" and workers were scrambling everywhere trying to get all the ships ready. I was walking back to the shop when Poe intercepted me and pulled me aside.

"Smiley, can you retrofit Black One for me?" He was very intense sounding, and I grew suspicious.

"With what?" I asked.

"Remember the experiment you all were working on before we left for Starkiller? The one that increased the speed?"

"No! Absolutely not. All our tests showed it was incredibly unstable. It would probably kill you when you turned it on." I put my hands on my hips and narrowed my eyes at him. "Who told you about that?"

"Your boss, Goss. He gave me the choice of that, or to fix a bunch of stuff that would just take up time you guys don't have," Poe said defensively. "Black One is kinda banged up."

"I don't care how banged up she is, that new engine might kill you." I started flapping my arms in the air.

"So, just probably kill me, not for sure?"

"Probably! Very likely! We couldn't get it to work smoothly."

"But there's a chance it would work, right?"

"You are so frustrating!" I yelled at him. I think I even stomped my foot a little I was so frazzled. We stood facing each other in a doorway, close enough he could have felt my breath puffing out of my mouth as I continued to berate him. "Why won't you see-"

Poe closed the distance between us and paused my tirade with his lips over mine. Stunned beyond belief, I felt a click in my brain and I ceased to think. I kissed him back fiercely, pushing him against the doorframe. He pushed back, pressing his whole body against mine until we were against the opposite side of the frame. He stopped his assault in my lips for a moment, pulled his head back, and cupped my face with his hands. His eyes met mine, and he kissed me again, but softly. That was nice. But tender emotion wasn't what I needed to combat my anxiety over turning his x-wing into a screaming rocket that no human being should be able to handle. I threw myself into the kiss, threading my fingers into his hair and pressing my hips into his. There shouldn't be any doubt to him what I was getting at.

Without breaking contact, we turned into the workshop and slammed the door shut, Poe guiding me to walk backwards until I felt the table hit my thighs. I put an arm down and hopped up onto it, and he followed me, swiping empty containers away as he descended on me. I gasped for air as he broke off our kiss to nibble my neck.

The next few minutes were a blur. One moment we were tangled in our clothes, trying to figure out the fastest way to get a foot out of a pant leg without taking the time to remove the boot. The next we were out of breath and half naked on the table. If anyone had been even remotely nearby, they would have heard us, and there wouldn't have been any doubt what we were doing. Not that it would have mattered. We could all die in a few hours; last minute sex was likely what a few other people were doing too.

* * *

I finished putting the experimental engine on Black One. Against my better judgement too. I felt like I was carrying out a death sentence on someone I loved. I was terrified, and tears were running down my cheeks as I worked. The guys in the shop and I had put our idea through countless tests and most of them had failed. Some had worked, and I tried to find what made those tests different from the rest. In the end I really wasn't confident it would work for sure, but it seemed to be the best combination of parts that would eliminate any explosion when Poe ignited the engine.

I met Poe back at our room. He was already there waiting for me, duffel bag on his shoulder. "You have a change of departure," he said. "You're going to leave now with Black Squadron."

"What?" I said in confusion. "You guys are leaving now?"

"The squadron is leaving. I'm staying here with the fleet." He said it gently, knowing what it was going to do to me.

"I am not leaving you here!" I exploded. "I can't! You want me to run away?"

"You're not running away. General Organa has ordered them to find Resistance sympathizers to help now that the First Order is after us. We need to organize and get more systems to publicize they are on our side." He stated, his voice tense and getting louder. "They need a mechanic with them in case something goes wrong."

"There's no way I'm going anywhere without you," I started to protest.

"You're going!," he thundered. "That's an order." I lapsed into silence, tears threatening to spill out. He had never yelled at me this way before. And he'd never given me an order. He was my superior officer, but never had he pulled rank on me until now.

"How will I know if the engine worked?" I asked quietly, realizing I was losing this argument. "How will I know if you live through it?"

Poe deadpanned, "You won't." After a long silent second he said, "At least for a while."

I crumpled to the ground and wrapped my arms around my head. My world was being ripped apart around me. First we were leaving the planet I had grown to love, and then the person I needed most in the world was forcing me to leave him behind. And at a time I knew he needed me too. He projected his usual confidence, but he was bruised inside, and who knew how that would influence his behavior.

Poe crouched down next to me and put an arm around my shoulders. "Please go, Kasey. I can concentrate better if I'm not worried about your safety. And they really do need you with them."

I sucked air into my tightened lungs and nodded. "Yes, sir."

"I'm sorry I had to make it an order. I hate that. But you know you would have fought me otherwise." He kissed my hair on the side of my head. "Come on. You need to leave now."

I stood up, slung my small pack over my shoulder, and looked around for the last time. The room was just a room. I stepped outside and breathed in the warm, soft air. I loved D'qar. But it was just one of the many places I had lived, and there would be more. With a short stop at my workshop to pick up a toolbox, we walked to the flight line and he led me to an x-wing.

"Are you kidding?" I asked incredulously. "You have an extra one just lying around?"

With a low voice, he responded, "No. We lost a pilot. This was her ride."

I looked closer, and saw it was quite banged up, but seemed to be repaired adequately. "What was her name?"

"Shandi. Her droid is XXX-69." He gave a small smile. "She called him Triple X. Take care of him."

"Of course I will." I looked down and saw BB-8, purring against my leg. Bending over, I glided my hand over her larger ball. "I'll see you later BB-8," I said as my throat got tighter. Poe took my duffel bag and squeezed it into the small storage area on the fighter. Then he pulled me tight against him, and breathed deeply as he nuzzled his face in my hair.

"Be safe," he murmured. "I love you."

I almost couldn't make sound come out, I was trying so hard not to cry. "I love you too. Please let me know if the engine worked out." _Let me know you lived_ was what I wanted to say, but it seemed too awful to put into words again. Poe pulled away first and gently pushed me toward the ladder to get into the fighter. As I strapped myself in, he leaned into the cockpit and handed me A-2. I settled her on one thigh, she was just small enough to fit without really getting in the way of the controls. Without any more words, Poe backed up and stood out of the way of the departing ships. I waited until I heard my permission to leave, then rose vertically above the base. With one last glance down, I hit the thrusters and followed the rest of Black Squadron.

As we cleared the atmosphere of D'qar, Snap came on over the headset. "I'm going to give you the lightspeed coordinates, OK?"

"I'm ready and waiting, Wexley. Where are we going?"

He hesitated. "Um, well, I have these orders that I'm supposed to drop you off on Yavin 4."

"Drop me off?" I said loudly. "Is that what Poe told you to do?"

Snap sighed through the headset. "Yeah, he made it an order."

"When? When did he give you the order?" I asked.

"This morning."

I smiled. "OK then. I was given the order to help you find Resistance sympathizers about an hour ago. I'd say that overrides the previous order. Care to change those lightspeed coordinates?"

"Woo-hoo!" I heard Jess yell through. "Let's go Snap!"

Snap groaned, and was silent for a few seconds. "Fine. I'm sending all of you the new coordinates. I am taking no responsibility if anything happens to you Smiley. So make sure nothing does. Cuz Poe will kill me."

I decided to embrace this as another chapter of my life. I was determined to return to a life with Poe, but the best way for me to not dwell on that would be to do something meaningful. Triple X beeped at me he had entered the coordinates, and A-2 squeaked with I guess excitement. I watched the squadron blink out of sight, and when I saw Snap was waiting for me, I hit the button for lightspeed. My heart was heavy, and I struggled not to worry about Poe, which I knew was going to be hard. But the sudden force of moving to lightspeed distracted me, and I forced myself to look forward through my tears.

_'Cause I could get by and hold my head high if everything deserts me_  
_But I'm not losing you  
~ Maddie Poppe_

* * *

_AN: I don't want to say "The End." But I'm going to pause this story for a couple months until "Rise of Skywalker" comes out and we see where Poe's storyline goes. I could continue Kasey's story with the squadron, based on what the comics and "Resistance Reborn" describe, but this seems a good time to take a break. Please favorite or follow this story if you want to know when it picks up again. ~ _


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